Category: Blog Archive

How to find your pot of gold

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Blog post: 7th February 2024

How to find your field of dreams!

The paradox of striving in a non-binary world

By Jim Byrne, 7th February 2024

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Introduction

Surrender vs wilfulnessIn this blog post, Dr Jim Byrne provides a deep and introspective exploration of the concept of surrender – (as that concept appears in a particular extract from the writing of Henry Miller, presented my Maria Popova) – versus striving to control the world. Plus the potential or likely impact of surrender or intentional willfulness on one’s life.

If you are stuck somewhere that you do not wish to be, this blog post could help you to find a way out.

The language and tone are reflective and thought-provoking, engaging the reader in an exploration of personal and philosophical concepts. But those concepts are all relevant to the question of how to Live the Good Life, especially in the context of career crises, and whether or not to rely on SMART Goals!

Taoist caligraphy 1The author effectively weaves in personal experiences and references to philosophical and spiritual teachings to convey his message. The integration of personal anecdotes and philosophical insights creates a rich tapestry of thought, encouraging readers to contemplate the role (and meaning) of surrender in their lives.

Should we surrender to the “powers that be” – meaning the Powers behind the patterns of life? Or should we struggle to make progress?

Or is there a middle way?

The endnote provides valuable context and expands on the Stoic concept of Providence, enriching the reader’s understanding of the philosophical underpinnings of the author’s ideas. The content offers a unique and deeply reflective perspective on surrender and its implications for personal growth.

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Zen stone garden 1The Tao – Zen Buddhism – Karma –

Goals – Material needs – Success –

According with the way of the world –

Acceptance – The oneness of oneself and the world –

The importance of morality…

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Jim Byrne writes:

Dr Jim, Counsellor, Heebden BridgeI am grateful for everything I’ve been given by life.

Everything I have ever gained in my life has “come from nothing”.

It did not come from having SMART goals – although I have experimented with Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Time-bound goals from time to time in my life.

Often, in fact.

And I tried to seriously make them work. Sometimes they seemed to work, and sometimes they all too obviously failed.

And many great gifts have come into my life when I was too low to have a SMART goal!

They came as gifts, freely given. Unbidden. And unexpected!

Wilful child, 1While working intelligently towards my SMART goals, I have also had to learn the importance of patience; and persistence; and repetition or restating my goal.

The final attitude – the willingness to repeat or reassert my goal, after I have failed to achieve it – is also called “broken-record-ing of the world”. Or being like a broken record to the world: “Please let me have outcome X. Please let me have outcome X. Please let me have outcome X”. Or: “I am determined to achieve outcome X. I am determined to achieve outcome X. I am determined to achieve outcome X.”

Sometimes I’ve had better results from positive affirmations; and sometimes I’ve had good results from visualizing what I want to achieve or receive.

Brick Man as metaphor for childhood trauma
How Jim Byrne began his autistic life – a life of Childhood Developmental Trauma

But more often than not, what I had in the background of my mind, as my navigation system – my vibrational Satnav – was this: A simple desire to be in a more peaceful, safer, kinder sort of place. A place of greater happiness and contentment.

That’s it: To be somewhere that has a low level of hassles and a high level of peace!

This is a more diffuse form of “goal setting” – I think of it as “Having a strong desire for a particular kind of outcome”. And that strong, emotional desire, acting below the level of daily awareness, seems to act like a steering device, in guiding me in making micro changes in the actions I take; the attitudes I adopt; and so on.

Of course, I do not shy away from the work that life asks of me, in order to get to my Shangri-La.

Sometimes I do feel discontented with my life; not much; and not often. Most often this happens when too many bills pile up, and not enough money comes into my bank account.

Taoist image yin-yang 2At such times, I have to work harder at trying to make sense of a world that will not routinely give me what I want; and which seems to throw me slightly more than my fair share of curve-balls; from time to time.

Then life throws me a lifebelt, to help me get out of the turbulent seas of unbalanced accounts. (And when I say, “life throws me a lifebelt”, I mean that life and I cooperate in the process of my navigation towards that lifebelt!)

Thus: I am grateful for stumbling across a blog post by Maria Popova, yesterday, on the subject of the letters exchanged between Henry Miller and Anais Nin. (I was looking for “a sign”; a better junction, with a better selection of crossroads; and up popped Maria Popova!)

Because some readers might have a fixed, negative view of Henry Miller, I thought I’d better do some work at understanding how Miller can be both an enlightened man and a figure of hatred or fear.

Henry Miller, meditatingThis is what I discovered: Henry Miller was a man of two “apparent halves”: A renowned sexual revolutionary and giant of modern literature, on the one hand, and a deeply spiritual Zen Buddhist acolyte, who achieved some degree of enlightenment in his life, on the other. His work could be read selectively to support either side of his personality/character, but I am only interested in his spiritual side, as explored by Jennifer Cowe, in her PhD Thesis, submitted to the University of Glasgow in 2016. (PhD Thesis: Killing the Buddha : Henry Miller’s long journey to Satori / Cowe, Jennifer, author. Glasgow: University of Glasgow, 2016.)

Now, back to Maria Popova’s blog: In her blog post, Popova quotes Miller as having written this statement:

“The paradox is that much of what we think is working at life — all the ways in which we try to bend reality to our will, all the ways in which we clutch at control (which only ever means the illusion of control) as an organizing principle — is in fact an escape from the true work, which is the work of letting go: letting go of the illusion, of the systems of belief and magical thinking by which we fancy ourselves in control. The subtlety — sometimes devastating, sometimes deeply rewarding — lies in learning the difference between the false work and the true work of life: that elusive art of active surrender.

Zen Lotus image 2“This is what Henry Miller (December 26, 1891–June 7, 1980) explores with uncommon self-awareness and sensitivity in one of the many miniature masterpieces of insight into human nature collected in A Literate Passion: Letters of Anaïs Nin & Henry Miller (public library) — the record of the layered and durable relationship between these longtime lovers turned lifelong friends, comrades in the republic of literature, kindred rebels against the tide of convention and the tyranny of circumstance, forever bonded by their shared devotion to shaping themselves and reshaping their world through writing.”

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Note: Miller writes about “active surrender” and Popova writes of him “shaping himself” and “reshaping the world” – both of which activities involve activity; and both of which result in intended change; so where then is the “surrender”?

Jim’s comments:

Dr Jim ByrneI surrender to the reality before me. I surrender to the intractable reality of having not enough money for the things I want to do and get.

I surrender to being the effect of certain causes; BUT I am also the cause of particular effects.

I accept the things I cannot change, and only try to change the things I can.

I actively surrender to uncontrollable tides that beset me. And keep an active eye out for a more favourable current!

Does that mean I am “a defeatist”?

No.

A defeatist is somebody who gives up while there is still a fighting chance to win.

I am a realist. I accept that certain facts are current facts, and no amount of wishing them away will have any effect upon them.

But that is perhaps why Miller’s concept of “active surrender” could be so helpful to all of us who are awake to our blocked ways forward. I surrender to what just happened; and then I ask, “What next?” (When the world says “No”! I say “Next”!)

Taoist image, carving 3In some respects I am screwed, financially; and in certain other respects, I have a lot of power to make things happen. And I have hope! I have a felt sense of desire for a better outcome in life! And I am willing to do whatever (morally good!) work I am asked to do, in order to get to where I want to go.

I can change myself by my writing efforts; and I can make my mark on the world by my writing efforts. (It may be a small mark, but even a small mark is a mark: “Jim was here!” [And who knows how big it might become, eventually!])

Indeed, in have changed myself dramaticaly over the past 40 years, to a significant degree because of my writing work. This is illustrated in my books; especialy:

1. How to Write a New Life for Yourself.

Writing Theapy book coverIn this book I describe a number of individuals who changed their lives by the use of practical writing exercises, geared towards different objectives; such as: emotional processing; goal setting and goal pursuit; problem solving; and self-management; and more. There are more than 20 problem-solving exercises in this books. By writing every day, you can process your emoitons, and keep the “windscreen” of your life clear, so you can steer a better course through life!

For more, please visit the ABC Bookstore.

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And:

2. The Disconnected Heart of Daniel O.

Disconnected heart of Daniel OIn this book, I have written a psychoanalysis of my life, from birth to the age of forty years. I wrote it in the form of a fictionalized autobiography, using Daniel O’Beeve as my alter ego.

For more, please visit the ABC Bookstore.

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The law of Karma is the law of Cause and Effect. And sometimes I am the Cause, and sometimes I am the Effect. And when some cause outside of me impacts me – causing some effect upon me – how I respond is a new potential Cause of something positive, or something Negative. So we must be careful how we respond to external forces that Affect us. Do not make it worse by responding Negatively.

To respond negatively could be to say: “This is how it always is with me!”  Or: “Just my luck!”

Wilful child, 1That is a Very Negative conclusion. Better to say, “This is a ‘what’s so’. Better results may follow shortly! I live in hope!”

Be realistic, with a Positive twist.

I choose to say: “So I’ve been knocked down by life this time; but better days may be coming soon! Keep the faith! Stay hopeful. And keep on trying (to change the things you can – while accepting those things which are currently beyond your control!)

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Maria PopovaMaria Popova’s blog post continued:

‘From his home in Big Sur, (Henry Miller) writes to (Anais Nin) in the spring of 1946:

When you surrender, the problem ceases to exist. Try to solve it, or conquer it, and you only set up more resistance. I am very certain now that… if I truly become what I wish to be, the burden will fall away. The most difficult thing to admit, and to realize with one’s whole being, is that you alone control nothing. To be able to put yourself in tune or rhythm with the forces beyond, which are the truly operative ones, that is the task — and the solution, if we can speak of ‘solutions’.”

What does this mean?

My (Jim’s) thought is this: When Miller talks about “surrender” he assuredly cannot mean “to surrender in the face of a problem that could be solved”. He must surely mean “to surrender in those cases where there is nothing else that can be done by you alone”. Which is nothing more or less than “accepting the things you cannot change”!

But what are those “forces beyond”?  This is outside of normal, science-informed reasoning. Are there “forces beyond” the known forces of the visible universe?

Zen Meditation imageWhat are the “truly operative forces”? It seems to me that they are

– what Lau Tzu called “the Tao” – the Way of the World.

– What the Hindus and Buddhists called “the law of Karma”.

– What the Stoics called Providence[1].

– And what science calls “the law of cause and effect”.

If I Actively surrender to Uncontrollable External Forces – and only try to Enact My Essential Being, in line with the Tao – the Way of the World – I am then not trying to control the Tao, or the Law of Karma. But I am also not “surrendering” in the passive sense of Giving Up on Life!

Somewhere in Shakespeare’s writings it is said that “there is a tide in the affairs of people, which, if taken at full flood, leads on to great things”.

That may well be what Miller meant by “the forces beyond”.

There is a tide in the affairs of human life which, if I align myself with it, can carry me to beaches I never expected to reach!

But my side of the deal is to Be Ready when the tide comes. And to Be Worthy of the Wave!

And the way Henry Miller tried to be ready, when the tide hit, was to write his best writing; to express his best values, attitudes or beliefs, on the written page, and in the process, he changed himself, and he may also have changed the probability of a particular tide hitting him, instead of bypassing him?

And he was brave enough to be informed by a muse which was out of step with contemporary culture at the time of his writing.

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But then, there is also another paradox: Miller wrote as follows: “I am very certain now that… if I truly become what I wish to be, the burden will fall away. The most difficult thing to admit, and to realize with one’s whole being, is that you alone control nothing.”

This does seem like a paradox: a self-contradiction:

  1. I surrender.
  2. I truly become what I wish to be.
  3. The burden falls away.

“Riddle me that, me fine Falla!” as Flan O’Brien might say.

The Big Question: If I surrender, how can I do anything to become what I truly wish to be?

The only way to make that “come out right” is if I truly wish to be somebody who surrenders to “the forces beyond, which are the truly operative powers”.

So, he really is talking about a level of surrender beyond where I would normally venture. I “accept the things I cannot change; but I always keep on trying to change the things I can”.

He (Miller) surrenders to the “forces beyond”, and perhaps seeks to “serve them” in his writings.

Thus his paradox becomes resolved – and the “burden falls away”, because this is his solution:

  1. I surrender.
  2. I serve the forces beyond, as a surrendered writer.
  3. The burden (of trying to control anything, other than being surrendered) falls away.

Is this too extreme?

Is this a solution?

Is this part of Miller’s “ego transcendence”?

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Popova continues: “(Miller) observes that when we don’t fully surrender to those currents of life larger than us, some part of (us), however suppressed, knows it.”

– Ah. This is a slightly different point (says Jim): The currents of life try to shift us, this way or that; and if we resist being moved in that direction, we are resisting life, (resisting the Tao, Karma, Providence), and some subconscious part of us knows it. And this has negative consequences.

(Again, a moral question enters here. It is wrong to resist the morally aligned currents that try to lift us up and carry us to new places; but it is also wrong to allow ourselves to be moved in immoral, or anti-social directions – where anti-social means going against the reasonable rules of a reasonable society!)

“Out of that quiet, gnawing knowledge arise the feelings of guilt that often haunt our days without an easily identifiable source — for the source lurks in those secret strata of being, half-opaque even to us. It is a wholly interior knowledge and a wholly interior guilt, impervious to outside judgment, independent of the external world. And yet, in our desperation to locate a source, we often project it outward and place it in others.” – Here he seems to be saying that, when we resist The Way, The Tao, the Current of Life, we pay a price in terms of bad feelings, discomfort, existential guilt. He seems to be saying that Life will call us to Artistic Endeavour, or Artistic Presentation, or to our Healing or Contributing Mission. And we resist that calling at our emotional peril; at the cost of our peace of mind; and of our happiness.

Could it be that, while our Little Mind is saying, I want the money, I want the status, I want the social approval, the Universal Way is saying, Get off the conveyor belt? Do your life’s Work! You are here for a Higher Reason than paying the bills!

If we are not “here for a higher reason”, what is the essential difference between a cow and a human being?

Between a dog and a man or woman?

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Miller goes on to say that people will misunderstand you, but we cannot afford to be influenced by those interpretations. And, anyway, when we give of our best, people often do get where we are coming from.

– Do not give in to the false imaginings of how others may rate us!

– Keep faith with your deepest self, and do your work. Your work of serving life; and your work of suffering in the process of serving. (But always keep an eye on your moral direction! [The ‘moral direction’ is highly important to Jim!])

Finally, Miller seems to make the point that all the things he most deeply desires come to him effortlessly, without struggle. All the struggle is just the work of the ego, trying to make itself comfortable by achieving those things which make it look good!

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So, what is the takeaway message? If I integrate what Maria Popova wrote; and what she quoted Henry Miller as saying; along with my own “collected wisdom”; then what that amounts to is this:

– Listen to the quiet muse that represents the Powers Beyond; the universal way; the Intelligence that Drives Evolution; God, if you like! Nature! Providence! The Tao!

– Work out your values, and only pursue goals (or aims!) that align with your values;

– Set your goals (or aims!), and function towards them intelligently – or wish for them fervently, while doing the work that life throws at you;

– But then – when nothing changes, or you get a worse result – accept the results that you get;

– And then set your goals (or aims!) again. (Round and round the loop of effort and reassertion).

– There is no such thing as failure, only feedback.

– Try, try, and try again. Do not compromise your values or your deepest desires.

– But make sure you are trying the right things; the things that may pay some bills, but which may also make your life meaningful; which help you to make a contribution to others; and which keep your stress level under control. And which might be applauded by the Powers Beyond.

– There is a favourable tide in the affairs of women and men. Do not resist it when it comes. Surrender to the Tao; to the Law of Karma. Go with the flow. (If you mainly operate from the Good Wolf side of your character, and resist immorality, your Karma is also likely to be Good; so go with it!)

– Accept the things you cannot change; and only try to change the things you can. Live in hope! Keep the faith! The Law of Karma is Supreme!

“We are actors in a play that the Manager directs!”

And remember the final lines of the Desiderata:

“And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him (or Her, or It) to be. And whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.”

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When an old Zen master lay dying on his simple mattress, a squirrel screeched on the roof above. “This is it!” he said. “And nothing else!”

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Copyright (c) Jim Byrne, February 2024

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Endnote

[1] The Stoic idea of Providence is a central concept in Stoicism, a philosophy that originated in ancient Greece and was later developed in Rome. It is a belief in the divine plan and order of the universe, and the idea that everything that happens is part of that plan. According to the Stoics, Providence is the guiding force that governs the cosmos, and it is the source of all order and harmony in the universe.

The Stoics believed that everything that happens is determined by nature, and that human beings have no control over the events of their lives. This idea of determinism was a central part of Stoic cosmology, and it was closely linked to their ethical theory. The Stoics believed that the only thing that human beings can control is their own thoughts and actions. By accepting the idea of Providence, they believed that they could live in harmony with the universe, and that they could find peace and contentment in their lives.

Jim’s idea is that Providence is one end of a system, and the action of the socialized individual is the other end. The universal system is hugely powerful, and the individual is mightily outweighed. It is as if the socialized individual is a kind of cork in a torrential stream, heading down a steep incline. The cork can sleep while the stream carries it along, or it can wriggle, and scheme to try to move itself closer to one or other riverbanks, where it might be able to get out!

As a matter of fact, the most hardnosed scientist cannot prove that there is no such thing as free will. And the most romantic idealist cannot prove that free will exists. It makes sense, in such circumstances, to assume we have some “wriggle room” – and always “go for it”!

What have you got to lose?!

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Some difficulties of being a writer

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Blog post – 20th October 2022 – Updated on 27th September 2023

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If you are a writer, what should you write about? Thoughts about books and writing…

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

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Books about life scripts and problematical mothers…

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In this blog post, I want to focus upon a simple way to answer the question: What should I write about today?

But first:

Are you aware of your own life script?

Kindle coverIt is not easy for a writer to know what to write.

There are so many books in the world, and so very few readers.

More than 25 of the many books which are queuing for your attention were written by me, (or co-authored, with Renata Taylor-Byrne).

Recently I thought it would be good to write a book entitled ‘What is your Life Script – and how to change your destiny’.

It took quite a while for me to realize that this would duplicate a large part of a book which I have already written. Here is a brief extract from that book:

Front cover, Who are you“Most people spend the whole of their life living as largely non-conscious victims of a script that they wrote for themselves, with the aid of their parents, when they were less than seven years old, when they hadn’t got enough sense to write a really good script for themselves.”

(Source: https://abc-bookstore.com/personality-and-destiny-how-to-change-them/)

That book is titled as follows: Who Are You, And Where Are You Going? Transformative insights from psychology and the philosophy of psychotherapy.

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The Mother Wound

Anyway, before I could make much headway with sketching out the content of a new volume on life script, I was overtaken by the desire to write a book about the way in which many humans are harmed, in the most vulnerable period of their lives – in the first three or four years – by damaged or difficult or unskillful mothers.

(Of course, motherhood is an impossible job in the modern world [and perhaps it always was!]; and it always surprises me that it works out as well as it does, for the exploited and oppressed mothers and their strangely resilient children!)

This volume would be like a cheese sandwich, with my Story of the Relationship with my Own Mother as the cheese; and with an opening slice of bread that would explore the nature of “mother wounding”, the symptoms resulting; and how to heal a “mother wound”. The final slice of bread would be about how you can assess whether or not you have a “mother wound”; and,if so, how to heal your own “mother wound”, resulting from neglect, abuse or abandonment (physically or psychologically).

However, in the process I overloaded myself, and had to mothball this project for a quieter time in my later life.

Kindle coverAnd, in any case, I have written at great length about my relationship with my mother, in my fictionalized autobiography:

The Disconnected Heart of Daniel O:

The fictionalized autobiography of a seeker after love

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“How I healed my (mother-inflicted) childhood emotional wounds, and how you can heal yours!”

A fictionalized-factual life story, combined with a subjective psychological self-analysis of developmental trauma disorder

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling – (and his alter ego, Daniel O’Beeve)

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Kindle coverThis book is about one man’s journey away from his homeland and his emotionally barren family and priest-dominated culture, to a place where he might find love, acceptance and personal liberation.

Daniel’s heart-wrenching journey to freedom is like a detective novel, a psychological thriller, and a science fiction adventure, all rolled into one. He shows the reader how to heal their own psychological wounds from childhood, and especially from their relationship with an unskillful or damaged mother.

…For more information, and a substantial extract from the book, please click this link…

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The writing of that book was a significant part of my own personal-therapy journey – and it came close to healing my “mother wound” – with just a few bits left over which have since been cleaned up.

The extract from The Disconnected Heart… book, shown on the ABC Bookstore does not focus on my relationship with my mother; but the core of my fictionalized autobiography is about that relationship, and the aftermath of its dysfunctionality.

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The compulsion to write – regardless of the reactions of other people!

Dr Jim, Authorship Coach, 2022And this morning – Thursday 20th October – I awoke with an uncontrollable urge to write something about books and the arts of reading and writing; and also about the frustrations and difficulties of living in a world in which there are too many books, and not enough readers; and not enough time to read all those things we could benefit from reading.

And then I remembered that I have written at least two blog posts on the links between literature and psychology, as follows:

For more more information abour the top 25 books published by Jim Byrne and Renata Taylor-Byrne (as a team), please go to the ABC Bookstore Online UK.

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Dr Jim Counselling Sherpa July 2023 Hebden BridgeMy main criteria for deciding what to write are these:

  • What would I enjoy writing?
  • What do I know which is not common knowledge?
  • And, of all the subjects that I could write about today, and would enjoy writing about today, which would be of most potential benefit to my potential readers?

And if you try answering those three questions for yourself, and still feel stuck, then you could try my book, How to Write a New Life for Yourself.

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Or try my Authorship Coaching service.

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That’s all for now.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne

Doctor of Counselling

ABC Counselling and Psychotherapy Services

ABC Bookstore Online UK

The Institute for E-CENT Counselling

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Facing up to your traumatic experiences, with support

Blog Post – 14th October 2021

By Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

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Current stress problems – which are intense or difficult to resolve – can be signs of deep, early developmental trauma

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Jim Byrne, Dr of Counselling, does health coachingI have spent more than twenty-three years working with counselling clients with some degree of trauma, from childhood or later periods of their lives. Sometimes this showed up in the present as problems in couple relationships; or problems controlling anger, anxiety or depression.

Over the years, I developed a number of powerful strategies for helping my counselling and therapy clients to process, complete and get beyond their stored, traumatic experiences, from childhood or later in their lives.

I have written my experience up in the form of a self-help book, so that individuals can help themselves to process their traumatic pains, without the need for costly counselling and therapy.

However, there is one aspect of early childhood trauma which cannot be done on the basis of reading my book. At the end of Chapter 1 of my book, I wrote this:

Hardback Trauma book, cover1“…, There is one thing we cannot do in this book, and that is to help you to work on your interpersonal relationships in order to achieve secure attachment.  Appendix C, on self-assertion and maintaining your personal boundaries, will help you to some degree to begin to recover your sense of having rights to fair treatment. But it will also be important to make sure you either become securely attached to an intimate partner; or some very good friends who have been through therapy themselves. And/or to begin to see a good, recommended, Attachment Therapist; and/or somebody who practices Developmental Trauma Therapy (DTT), which was created by Dr Bessel van der Kolk.

Nevertheless, if you work with the strategies outlined in this book, combined with some healthy social relating, you will be able to recover from your childhood trauma, no matter how severe it might have been.

Good luck with your journey of recovery!

…

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Here is a quick insight into the approach I have developed:

The concept of Traumatic Dragons, and the process of healing

1, A New Dragons Trauma book coverTraumatic memories are painful, and so the vast majority of people are highly reluctant to face them down. To suggest to most people that they should revisit their traumatic memories would seem to be a form of madness; a kind of masochism on the part of the traumatized individual, and a form of sadism on the part of the trauma therapist. Why face up to a dragon when you can hide?!?

To ask them to turn around and face back (and ‘walk back’) through their history, reviewing the things that were done to them that made them most fearful, miserable, unhappy, stressed, anxious, horrified, shamed, guilty, and ragefully angry, must seem quite perverse to some people.

And yet, that can be an important part of the healing process; provided:

Initial requirements:

  1. That enough time has elapsed for some distancing to take place – which is not a problem for an adult revisiting their childhood abuse history. (The minimum gap that I recommend for trauma therapy is at least two years between trauma and therapy!)
  2. That they have done some form of body work, such as yoga, tai chi, judo, karate; or therapeutic massage, Feldenkrais, or craniosacral therapy; etc., to help to heal the body memories of their trauma – (including body-armouring and chronic tension);
  3. That they have been able to develop new perspectives upon human behaviour, and human experience, since the time of their abuse. This includes experience of re-framing (or re-interpreting) negative experiences – including the kind of re-framing taught in this book. (If their basic perceptions are still the same as they were when the trauma occurred, then revisiting their traumatic memories will simply prove to be a form of re-traumatizing themselves!)
  4. That they feel they have recovered the capacity to relate intimately and securely to at least one other person;
  5. That they are living with somebody they trust; who has agreed to support them if they become overwhelmed by grief or shame or some other difficult emotional state; or that they have a trauma therapist who will assist them over the phone or Skype;
  6. That they have the mental space to do this difficult work; and that they are not too busy, or too stressed by their current life circumstances, to take on this extra burden;

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Hardback Trauma book, cover1This book could help you to resolve some of your own traumatic experiences, or it could help you to help somebody else to recover.

To see the book on Amazon, please go to Amazon eBook on Trauma.***

But for more information about this book, please go to ABC Bookstore: Traumatic Dragons book.***

~~~

I hope you find this information interesting and helpful.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

Email: Dr Jim Byrne.***

Joint Director:  ABC Bookstore Online UK

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cropped-dr-jim-counsellor-therapist-hebden-bridge.jpgPostscript: If it is too difficult for you to contemplate working through this self-help book, then I can help you in face-to-face counselling, or over Skype or the Telephone system, to process your stored pain.

See my main counselling services page here: https://abc-counselling.org/about-dr-jim-byrne/

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Trauma therapy for early childhood adversities

Blog Post No.3 on 13th September 2021

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

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Childhood trauma is a common cause of individuals ending up in counselling and therapy as adults

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Introduction

Because there is no training in parenthood, as a general requirement for family reproduction, individuals who were damaged as children – by cruel or neglectful parents – tend to pass that trauma on to their own children, through harsh words, physical abuse, sexual abuse, or serious forms of neglect of the child.

My involvement

cropped-dr-jim-counsellor-therapist-hebden-bridge.jpgOver the past 23 years, I have helped well over one thousand individuals to recover from all kinds of emotional, behavioural and/or relationship problems.

I guess that at least fifty or sixty percent of those clients were carrying some form of childhood trauma.

I was unable to collect precise data on that, but I do have some insights which I will list below.

Feedback from grateful clients

In the Sunday Times Magazine, yesterday (12th September), in the regular column, A Life in the Day, Marie-Claire Chappet interviewed Wim Hof (“the extreme athlete”) about grief and healing.

Hof has helped many individuals to improve their physical and mental health through his unique approach to physical therapy. I was struck by these words of his: “I think back on all the extraordinary things that I’ve done with my life and the best thing is when someone tells you that your teaching has made a difference to them”. (Page 58, Sunday Times Magazine, 12th September 2021).

I agree with Hof. One of the most moving things I can do is to review a few of the unsolicited client testimonials that I have had from my clients over the past 23 years.  Here are just three examples from traumatized individuals:

♣ “Hi Jim, Your support helped me to get in touch with my Inner Strength. I was feeling very weak and discouraged, and feeling so bad about myself, but you helped me to change all that. I don’t know how you turned me around, but I owe you a debt of gratitude…”

C.M., Wadsworth, Hebden Royd. (Received two days after the sixth session of Skype counselling for family trauma after-effects).

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♣ “Hi Jim. You have already exceeded all my expectations in only two sessions of telephone counselling.  And I am extremely grateful for these most generous follow-up notes and handouts, which contain important insights and guidance. You have helped me a lot, and I have much to contemplate and integrate before our next session.”

B.J., Blackburn, Lancs. (Two sessions of telephone counselling for early childhood trauma and current relationship problems).

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♣ “Hi Jim, I didn’t believe you would be able to help me, because of my age, and the fact that I’ve tried many times before and failed to make any improvement in my anxiety, panic and social withdrawal.  But you really got me working on those hidden traumas from early childhood, and I’ve been able to ‘digest them’, as you put it, and they have disappeared from my mind!  It was difficult facing up to the pain, but it certainly has proved to be worth it.”

K.N.P., Rochdale, (Three sessions of Gestalt therapy, and re-parenting, for childhood trauma).

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Writing up my experiences

1, A New Dragons Trauma book coverThe other thing that gives me great pleasure is when I realize how much I have learned, and how hard I have worked to write those experiences up in the form of books that can be used by self-help enthusiasts to transform their lives.

Over the past year or more, I have worked very hard to update my book about the processing of traumatic experiences, to make it even more relevant to childhood developmental trauma, and to incorporate more body-psychotherapy into my systems.

In effect, I have written up the kinds of processes that I have used with my own clients over more than twenty years, in a form which is usable by self-help enthusiasts. And it could also be a good learning resource for new counsellors and psychotherapists who are moving into the field of trauma work.

These processes can be summarized as follows:

Process 1 – Re-framing (re-interpreting, or re-storying) of traumatic experiences (starting with low level upsets; and proceeding upwards with caution);

Process 2 – Confronting and completing (in body-mind forms) medium range traumatic experiences;

Process 3 – And, finally, digesting higher intensity traumatic symptoms; through processes including: writing therapy, combined with re-framing and completion; and with bodily sensations and breath-work; and several other whole body-brain-mind strategies.

(Of course, this work has to be done slowly and gradually; and the individual has to achieve a sense of safety and security before any of this work can begin!)

Some key outcomes achieved

Metal_Dog__Long_Roa_Cover_for_Kindle (853x1280)The benefits to be derived from this kind of work are enormous. Sleep is improved; digestion and breathing become normal; anxiety and depression are cleared up; social relationships become less stressful; physical and mental health improve; and so on.

To find out more about this revolutionary new psychotherapeutic strategy, please take a look at: How to Resolve Childhood Developmental Trauma.

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Before I could help my clients to work on their own childhood developmental trauma, I had to process my own horrible childhood, which I did in a book titled, Metal Dog – Long Road Home.

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That’s all for now.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

Email: Dr Jim Byrne***

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Counselling and psychotherapy for childhood trauma

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Blog post 3 – 6th August 2021

Updated on 23rd November 2022

Do you need to dig up your childhood history, to resolve some current intractable problem(s)?

By Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

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Introduction

1, A New Dragons Trauma book coverMany people do not yet know that early childhood traumatic experiences – and that could just mean having a depressed mother who could not give you the face-to-face interaction and attention that you needed for your cognitive and emotive growth and development – predisposes them to being vulnerable to adult-onset Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD).  Yes! It’s true. Most people who become traumatized by adult problems, like rape, mugging, house fires, plane or train crashes, are actually predisposed to having extreme reactions to highly stressful experiences, because they lack the resilience that comes from having a secure attachment to mother (and father) during their formative years[1]. Many of us have been abused or neglected in childhood; and physical and emotional abuse of young children are all too widespread, even today.

I have written about these kinds of connections, between childhood trauma and adult problems, and how to resolve such problems, in my book: Transforming Traumatic Dragons: How to recover from a history of trauma – using a whole body-brain-mind approach. Revised, expanded and updated: August 2021.

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My own trauma journey

I got into helping trauma clients, using strategies I had used to rescue myself from the damage of early childhood developmental trauma.

Long before I got down to writing about the trauma problems of other people, I had to work on my own childhood trauma damage.

One of the ways that I did that was to write my own autobiographical stories about my origins and my ‘relationships’.

Beginning with my story of origins, and moving on to my story of relationship problems, I eventually found my way into attachment theory and the work of Dr Allan Schore on the traumatizing experience of disruption of early attachment bonds between mother and baby.

Kindle coverOne of the main ways I did this work was to create an ‘alter ego’ – who I called Daniel O’Beeve.  I then put Daniel into those situations through which I have lived, and which I could dredge up from my memory banks; and I observed how he got on – from the ‘outside’ – (objectification!).  I then retrieved a lot of my old traumatic nightmares, and rewrote them in a literary style.

And then I created a set of ‘alien psychologists’ who could observe Daniel’s journey, through a “wormhole in space-time”, and to make comments about how to understand what is going on in his life, in a way that Daniel and I could never have commented! (Clearly this has to be called “a fictionalized autobiographical story”; and none of the characters in this story should be confused with any real individual, living or dead!)

I published all of that work in a book called Metal Dog – Long Road Home, which is now out of print.This book has been replaced by a more accessible, shorter book titled The Disconnected Heart of Daniel O.

And this is the Amazon description of that book:

Book description

Kindle coverThis book is about one man’s journey away from his homeland and his emotionally barren family and priest-dominated culture, to a place where he might find love, acceptance and personal liberation.

The author describes the traumatic events of his childhood, and the bleakness of life in Ireland at a time when the Catholic religion dominated the culture; and in a context where he and his family were country immigrants into an excluding city culture.

Much of his early childhood was repressed out of his conscious awareness, but his life did not work, in school, or as a teenager, because of the unconscious forces that made it difficult for him to relate to others, especially to girls.

In order to try to reconstruct his childhood, he uses a number of ingenious strategies, chief among them being:

– the creation of an alter ego (Daniel) who he follows through a kind of fictional life (based on scanty scraps of memories and family stories), to see how he responds to typical life events;

– the creation of certain archetypes, such as the little white goat; the little blue bear; a team of alien psychologists from another galaxy, who observe Daniel’s life, and discuss the psychological significance of certain developments.

– the development of a self-analysis, using various psycho-therapeutic ideas, insights and principles;

– and an account of the various therapy processes that he used, over many years to heal his heart and mind.

These strategies enabled him to re-experience and fully complete the previously non-conscious emotional wounds that had been hampering his personal development and his emotional and creative self-expression.

Kindle coverHe shares all of this information with the reader so that they too can complete any unfinished business from childhood which may be hampering their social or emotional performance in the world.

He also writes about his dreams and reveries, which contain various archetypal messages about the terrible suffering of his ancestors, which was passed down to his parents, and from them to him.

This is the story of that journey of digging up his childhood history and mythology, so he can digest it and understand it and draw its sting; and it is followed by advice about what you can do to heal your own early childhood emotional trauma; and to grow to the full capacity of your innate potential.

This book is written from the heart; woven out of metaphorical language of multi-faceted images; and haunting emotional scenarios.

For more information, and a substantial extract from this book, please click this link: https://abc-bookstore.com/childhood-developmental-trauma-autobiography/

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Would you like me to help you to process your childhood traumatic experiences? If so, please take a look at my page about myself and my main services, here: About Dr Jim Byrne.***

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Dr Jim in North YorkshireIf you keep trying to clean up the mess in your life – especially your relationship life – (but you keep finding that nothing seems to change for the better) – then it might be a good idea to

– consider the possibility that you were traumatized in early childhood;

– and get down to working on those experiences, so you can “rewire your right brain” for a happier life!

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I hope this information helps.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

The Institute for Emotive-Cognitive Embodied Narrative Therapy

ABC Bookstore Online UK

ABC Counselling and Psychotherapy Services

Email: Dr Jim Byrne.***

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Endnotes

[1] Rass, E. (2018). The Allan Schore Reader: Setting the course of development. London: Routledge.

And:

Schore, A.N. (2012). ‘On the same wavelength: How our emotional brain is shaped by human relationships. Excerpts from the interview with Daniela F. Sieff (2012)’. In Rass, Eva (2018). The Allan Schore Reader: Setting the course of development. London: Routledge. Pages 20-27.

And:

Schore, A.N. (2015). Affect Regulation and the Origin of the Self: The Neurobiology of Emotional Development. London: Routledge.

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Good and bad inner critical voices

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Blog Post D2: Theory of trauma impacts on self-criticism

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

26th June 2021

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Our legitimate (Good) Inner Critic (or conscience, super-ego, or Parent ego state) versus the Bad Inner Critic

Copyright (c) Jim Byrne, 2021

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Introduction

Six days ago, a person (called Mick Berry), on YouTube, contacted me about one of my videos – the main one on Anger Management – and suggested that I was simply reproducing the views of Dr Albert Ellis, despite my claim to have moved on from Ellis’s philosophy of Rational Therapy (REBT).  In my reply to that person – which can be read here: https://youtu.be/Esn9ZA6DHQE – I demonstrated that this was a misreading of my views.

Today, I completed Appendix D to my newly updated and expanded book on trauma recovery***, and it struck me just how far I have actually come since the heady (but simplistic) days of attributing the client’s emotional upsets to their “belief system”.

In Appendix D, I write about the client’s emotions, and various ways of processing their emotional problems through their visual and kinaesthetic channels; and then I move on to look in detail at their “feelings/attitudes/values/beliefs” about themselves – which cannot be boiled down to “mere cognitions”!

This is how Appendix D begins:

Preamble

Trauma victims are often very harsh in their judgements of themselves.  They take this harshness over from their abusers or victimizers.

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We each have a legitimate (Good) Inner Critic (or conscience, super-ego, or Parent ego state) which helps us to stay on the moral and legal straight and narrow path through life.

But we each also have an illegitimate, unjustified, and damaging (Bad) Inner Critic, which is based on an excessively harsh conscience; or self-hatred; internalized from others.

I call the legitimate (Good) Inner Critic your “Good Wolf” state, after the traditional view of the Native American Cherokee people.  They believed that we each have a war going on inside of us, between two Wolves; a Good Wolf and a Bad Wolf; and that the Wolf that wins is the one we feed.  So we need to make sure we feed our moral, loving, kind, compassionate, charitable, but also self-assertive Good Wolf; and to starve our immoral, hateful, hurtful and aggressive Bad Wolf.  (This has echoes of the European Christian view of the inner states of (1) sin [the Devil], and (2) the state of grace [or the indwelling Holy Spirit]. It also has echoes of Sigmund Freud’s distinction between the inner urges he called Thanatos [the Death urge] and Eros [the Love/Life urge]).

So our ‘Inner Critic’ ranges from moderate and moral – (which is the Good Wolf state) – to harsh and immoral (which is the Bad Wold state).

Therefore, our Inner Critic can be justified or unjustified.  (The only cases where it is justified all have to do with legitimate transgressions of moral rules or justified laws (or health and safety issues).

The inner critic is not justified in criticizing harshly your efficiency or effectiveness, or general judgements in life.

It also is not justified in blaming you for being victimized; or describing you as worthless or ugly, etc.

When we harshly criticize ourselves, and put ourselves down – especially when the criticism is unjustified, exaggerated or inappropriate – this damages our sense of self-esteem and self-confidence; and makes us miserably unhappy.

… End of extract. …

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Later in Appendix D I present a table in which I list the features of the client’s “Bad Inner Critic”; their “Good Inner Critic (or conscience); and their “Inner Coach/Mentor”.

Albert Ellis must be spinning in his grave!

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That’s all for now.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

ABC Coaching and Counselling Services

Email: Dr Jim Byrne.***

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Sleep-walking lovers make many mistakes

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Blog Post D1: Theory of couple relationships

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

23rd June 2021 – Updated on 29th October 2023

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Give up sleep-walking through your unconscious relationship

Copyright (c) Jim Byrne, 2021-23

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Introduction

young ethnic couple arguing on street
Photo by Budgeron Bach on Pexels.com

We humans sleep-walk into and out of our romantic or sex-love relationships.

If we want to be happier in our relationships, we have to wake up and pay attention to the skills of happy and effective relating.

Our conscious and non-conscious goals

We humans have a ‘design fault’ which causes us to believe we are wholly conscious beings, who make our choices consciously.  However, there is lots of research evidence to show that we are not capable of consciously processing all the information that we actually process every second of our day. In fact, we probably are conscious of about one-millionth of the data that our body-brain-mind processes, second by second.

How to have a wonderful, loving relationshipThere is research evidence to support the conclusion that individuals have both conscious and non-conscious goals, including goals for relationship.  That is to say, a person may tell you that they consciously are seeking a ‘perfect partner’, with particular positive qualities.  However, if you then watch what they do when they are presented with a choice between somebody with those positive qualities (in a speed dating context, for example), and somebody who totally lacks those positive qualities, you will too often find that they go for the person who lacks the qualities that they believe they are seeking.  And what is the explanation for this strange behaviour?  It has to be this: They also have non-conscious goals for relationship, and the non-conscious goal is normally very much stronger than the conscious goal.

This is the best explanation for the reason that advising individuals to carry a list of the desirable qualities of their ideal love match will not help.

They will make their choice on the basis of goals which are below their conscious level of awareness.

Isn’t it true that you have seen this perverse behaviour in yourself, and/or some of your close friends or relatives?

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My work on couple relationships

Dr Jim in Thirsk001I have been researching and writing about couple relationships for more than twenty years; and I have helped dozens of couples to either improve their marriage-like relationships, or to dismantle them as calmly and amicably as possible.

Take a look at my Couples Therapy page.***

which explores how my Couples Therapy approach evolved over two decades…

Or take a look at my page of information about my Counselling for Couple Relationship Problems.***

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Or my main book on how to build a happy relationship.***

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Or my slender volume on how to more quickly fix your couple relationship.***

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That’s all for now.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

ABC Counselling and Psychotherapy Services

Email: Dr Jim Byrne.***

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Attachment theory in counselling and therapy

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Blog Post B2: Theory of emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

13th June 2021

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Principle Number 2 (of 20):

Each of us is born with an innate attachment drive…

…which causes us to attach ourselves to a main carer

woman in beige sweater carrying baby

Hello, and welcome to this, the second of twenty blogs about the basic theory of emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy.

The first blog in this series argued that, if you want to understand a human being, any human being, you have to start from the reality that we each begin our life as a helpless baby.

In this blog I want to present the second principle of emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy, as follows:

“… I accept the Attachment theory proposition, that the baby is born with an innate attachment drive, which causes it (after a period of about twenty to twenty-four weeks of development) to seek to attach itself to a main carer.  The attachment bond that is formed becomes either secure or insecure, depending upon whether the mother (or main carer) is “good enough” – meaning sensitive, responsive, and caring enough to soothe the affective states[1] of the baby.  Later father and siblings become important attachment figures for the baby. And the baby forms a set of internal working models of relationship based upon those earliest relationships.”

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happy black woman drinking wine with boyfriend

Over the many years that I have been involved in counselling and therapy, I have worked with dozens and dozens of disturbed or unhappy couples.  Very often, what I find is that one partner has an insecure attachment style which makes them anxious about losing their partner, and so they cling to their partner for dear life – shadowing them and trying to control their movements – so that they, the first partner, do not have to feel intense feelings of fear of abandonment.

Sometimes the other partner also has an insecure attachment style, but of a different variety.  This other variety is an avoidant attachment style, which makes them feel anxious that their partner will try to control them, or be available for a while and then let them down.  So, this second partner hates it when the first partner clings to them, or tries to regulate their movements.

This is a recipe for misery.

When I work with clients who have an insecure attachment style, either anxious or avoidant, I use my relationship with them to help them to feel what it is like to be in a secure relationship – unlike the insecure relationships they grew up with, involving their mother and father.

Front cover, DIY Couples, 2What was originally created in your relationship with your mother and father can be changed and improved in a relationship with a secure, attachment therapist.

And some people find that they can become more secure in their attachment styles, if they get involved in a romantic relationship with a person who has a secure attachment style.

Furthermore, some of the skills of being in a secure and happy relationship can be learned from books, and I very often send my couple clients extracted chapters from one or other of my two main books on couple relationships, as follows:

– How to Have a Wonderful, Loving Relationship: Helpful insights for couples and lovers.***

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– How to Quickly Fix your Couple Relationship: A brief DIY handbook for serious lovers.***

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jim-nata-couples-pg-w300h245

That’s all for today.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

ABC Coaching and Counselling Services

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Email: Dr Jim Byrne.***

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Endnote

[1] An ‘affective state’ is a state of the body-brain-mind of an individual, in which there is physiological arousal and a felt sense of emotional attraction (‘positive affect’) or aversion (‘negative affect’).  For most practical purposes, among counsellors, the word affect may be used interchangeably with ‘feelings’ and ‘emotions’.

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Your childhood made you what you are

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Blog Post B1: Theory of emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy

By Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

2nd June 2021

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Principle Number 1 (of 20):

We all begin as babies; and have our babyhood as our lifelong foundation

Dr Jim in North YorkshireHello and welcome to this, the first of twenty blogs about the basic theory of emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy.

We forget our childhood at our peril. Unless we strive to remember our babyhood and childhood developmental experiences, and to “process it into a coherent narrative”, we cannot become fully human.

We are “grownup babies”, with all the scars and boons of our childhood hidden away in the basement of our brain-mind – unless and until we dig it up and make sense of it.

Most modern theorists of counselling psychology and psychotherapy make the mistake of “thinking” about humans as Adults; Adults who “think”, rather than former children who “perceive-feel-think” (or “perfink”) in Parent, Adult and Child-like ways.

Front cover, Lifestyle Counselling, 2020In our main book on emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy (E-CENT), I wrote about that problem like this:

“Firstly, I do not make the mistake of extrapolating from adult functioning in order to understand the psychology of human nature.  Instead, I begin with the baby in the mother’s womb (where the mother may be more or less stressed, and more or less well nourished, depending upon the actual circumstances of her life).  I then move on to the baby post-birth, which is colonized by a carer (normally mother) who may be more or less sensitive to the baby’s signals of comfort and discomfort; more or less responsive to the baby’s needs; and more or less caring.  And I also take account of how stressed the mother was, by her life circumstances, even before the baby was conceived.  These are the foundations of human emotional and general psychological functioning.” (Page 49 of Lifestyle Counselling and Coaching for the Whole Person, by Jim Byrne, with Renata Taylor-Byrne).

What are the implications of this, the first principle of emotive-cognitive embodied-narrative therapy?

If you lose sight of your own foundations; or the foundations of those who are closest to you; or of you clients (if you are a counsellor, coach, psychotherapist, etc.), then you will end up dealing with the following false construct:

“The wholly autonomous, wholly conscious, independent, stand-alone, Thinking Adult”.

But no such thing exists!

– You can read more about this subject in the following book: Lifestyle Coaching and Counselling for the Whole Person.***

– Or you can review a range of books linked to the emotive-cognitive perspective, here: ABC Bookstore.***

– Or you can consult one of the co-creators of emotive-cognitive therapy (E-CENT) here: ABC Coaching and Counselling Services.***

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That’s all for now.

Best wishes,

Jim

Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling

ABC Coaching and Counselling Services

Email: Dr Jim Byrne.***

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