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Couple relationship expert therapist in Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire
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About the evolution of my Couples Therapy Service in Hebden Bridge, HX7 8HJ, West Yorkshire
By Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling, and Relationship Specialist
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Posted on 22nd February 2023
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Hello and welcome to this page about my Couples Therapy Service, and how it has evolved over the past twenty-five years.
My name is Jim Byrne. I came from a loveless family background, and so I knew nothing about love or relationships when I set out as a teenager to try to build an adult life for myself.
It took me a long time to “get on track”; but eventually I did find love; but I was still carrying the bad “models of relationship” in my head, which I’d learned from my mother and father. (This is absolutely standard for human development!)
Eventually, I found my soul mate (in 1980), and we set up home together (in 1983-84), but I was prone to “rock the boat” – or to “kick over the beehive” – and she was prone to being too passive and nonverbal during conflict situations.
So, in 1984, we went through six sessions of marriage guidance, with a lovely counsellor in Leeds: Marjorie Ashdown, who taught us the Transactional Analysis approach to communication. Then I went off and studied Werner Erhard’s Relationship Course, and his Communications Workshop; while Renata went off and studied Assertiveness Training. (I also studied the Rational Therapy approach to couples therapy; and also Eric Fromm’s Art of Loving. And several other approaches, including the Gottman approach).
And I studied fifteen different systems of counselling and therapy. And eventually completed my professional doctorate in counselling at the University of Manchester.
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In 1998, I set up as a Rational Therapist in Hebden Bridge, and began to offer counselling and therapy to a number of clients.
My first client was a young man who was having marital problems. He was in an arranged marriage, and he wanted his wife to live with him and his parents; but she wanted to live a kind of European life, in their own flat. He refused to compromise, and the relationship fell apart, painfully, over the next twelve years. (I saw him every two or three years; but he would not bend to his wife’s requests. She “had to” live with his family, on his terms! But eventually she left him, and took him to the cleaners in the process”! [Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned!])
My second client was a young man whose father had been so controlling and punishing that he could not identify with his maleness, which disrupted his attempts to establish a romantic relationship.
My third client was a young man whose mother was so domineering and controlling, that he had a constant war in his head with her; and he projected her onto any woman he met, and that got in the way of establishing a happy sex-love relationship.
My fourth client had been married, until he met a woman who saw “a lot of potential” in him. So he left his first wife, and married this “true believer”; but it did not work out. She was disappointed that he was not able to demonstrate any of the “potential” she saw in him. So they had lots of conflict over miscommunications. I did some experiments to find the flaw in their communication styles, and found they could communicate perfectly when given a communication challenge to tackle between them. Their miscommunications seemed to be more emotional than linguistic or technical. And so I began to investigate the kinds of emotional motivations that brought couples together, and to begin to help them to understand their personality adaptations and their attachment styles (both of which have a huge effect upon how they relate to each other, and communicate with each other).
Then I saw a string of couples, who behaved so badly in the couple’s therapy room that I had to develop a set of ground-rules, as follows:
- “I interact with one partner at a time.
- I share the session time equally between both partners. I will set a timer for each interaction (sometimes for 5 minutes, and sometimes for 10 minutes).
- Partner B must remain silent while I am interacting with Partner A…”
And so on.
But they constantly tried to break the rules.
The problem was that they kept each other locked into the same old destructive fighting style that they used at home.
They intimidated each other out of their point of view.
Or they were afraid to “break the mould” of their fighting style, in interacting with me; because it might expose a weakness, which their partner might exploit!
Very often, when I stopped Partner B from speaking while I worked with Partner A, then Partner B would use loud sighs; or gasps of disbelief; or snorts of derision; or sudden and aggressive physical movements, such as crossing their legs or arms noisily and visibly; or turning away from me and their partner; even turning their back on the conversation.
So I had to outlaw that kind of non-verbal disruption as well.
Still some of them would break the rules and try to keep the “war” going.
On at least two occasions, and perhaps three, I had to stand up and move towards a couple – (sitting side by side on my sofa) – and tell them:
“Stop! Stop! Stop!” And still they would try to keep the war going.
“Stop!” I told them then. “I will not listen to this childish, destructive bullshit. There is no amount of money that you could pay me that would encourage me to listen to this destructive bullshit. If you have to be this destructive, then go and fight in your car. You can do that for free. And you can have your money back!”
Only then would they calm down and recognize that the jig was up. For Dr Jim, Couples Therapy means a healing process in which both parties learns to compromise for the common good. The war ends at my front door. I don’t want to know “which partner is right”. They are together in a “relationship” – (or rather, in an “involvement-entanglement”) – because of some dysfunction in both families of origin. It takes two to tango.
My first rule then became the “no blame” rule. I insist on absolute equality between the partners, and an acceptance that it takes two to tango. If they will not accept that, then we have to move to a conversation about the central importance of total equality in sex-love relationships. (But nobody has pushed it that far, up to this point in time).
Then I went through a period where I would sometimes see a couple together; and then see them individually.
And sometimes it just so happened that one partner came forward on their own at first; and their partner came to see me separately on a later occasion. And those meetings were much more productive of personal change, and relationship improvement!
And that – (my “individuals only” approach) – is now my standard procedure.
So, because I see the partners separately now, as my standard approach, it could be argued (especially by a pedant!) that I no longer offer “couples therapy” (because no “couples” come to see me, as a pair). So, to be strictly accurate, I must now post a new page, titled ‘Counselling, Coaching and Psychotherapy for Individuals with Couple Relationship Problems’.
You can see that new page here: Improve your couple relationship.***
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If you want to know up front what I offer to individuals with couple relationship problems, then here it is:
Main Service: See below the photo:
Jim and Renata, after 40+ years of happy coupling – (36 years happily married!)
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My Enhanced Main Counselling and Psychotherapy Service – which includes:
My Updated, Enhanced, Main Service was updated on 5th August 2022. The main changes are a result of feedback from current clients, who wanted a reduction in the intensity of the “homework” component of this service. Here is the revised structure:
1 – Formal assessment questionnaires – (Function: To collect relevant data about some potential sources of your current problem[s]. Normally between four and seven questionnaires will be sent by me to you, usually as email attachments; and I may ask some supplementary questions once I’ve seen your answers. The subject of each questionnaire is determined by the problem[s] you wish to address in our work together).
2 – A counselling meeting of up to sixty minutes (which is mainly more assessment, at our first meeting. [If you opt for a second meeting, then we get to do more therapy than assessment during the second meeting]);
3 – An analytical report. (This includes: what happened at our meeting; my observations, reflections and conclusions; plus my assessment of your questionnaire answers; plus a customized list of written materials which I will send, at fortnightly intervals, over a twelve or fourteen week period). I will send my analytical report to you within seven to ten days of our meeting. (When my analysis is particularly extensive [in terms of numbers of pages], which is not uncommon, I sometimes send it in two or three smaller chunks, over a period of several weeks!)
4 – My report (or the first instalment of my report) is followed by five or six informational documents (called psycho-educational [or bibliotherapy] handouts), which will teach you the knowledge and skills you need in order to begin to resolve the problem or problems we discussed in our meeting, [plus problems or developmental needs identified by the assessment questionnaires]. These documents will be sent to you at intervals of two weeks, over a twelve or fourteen week period. But if you find this reading load to be too much for you, given your other commitment and priorities then we can negotiate a longer gap between the sending of documents).
Those four elements, above, are collectively called a “single package” of my Enhanced Main Service; and I normally recommend that you sign up for a “double package”, which involves repeating the above processes again – (at the end of the twelve or fourteen week period of the first package) – but with more time for therapy during our second meeting.
You can repeat this process as often as you need to. I estimate that close to 50% of people will only need a single package to resolve their most pressing problems. Some will require a double package. And some will need more than one double package, depending on the complexity and difficulty of their problems.
After the first one or two packages of my Main Service, you might want to switch to my (Almost) Pure Talk Therapy service, to keep your costs down; or because you have had enough documentary follow-up, and mainly want to talk about your thoughts, feelings, behaviours, and/or relationships.
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Fees for my Enhanced Main Service
With effect from 1st February 2023, the following fees will apply:
– A single package will cost just £600.00 GBP; and:
– A double package will cost just £1,000.00 GBP – (if it is booked as a double package, and paid in advance; resulting in a saving of £200.00p GBP. (And a double package can be shared by a married or cohabiting couple who will get one meeting each, with individual reports and six follow-up documents each).
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Postscript on 5th December 2022 – Payment by instalments
Updated on 1st February 2023
In view of the current economic climate, I am willing to split a single package into three elements, and to allow clients to pay for one element at a time, which amounts to a system of Payment by Instalments, as follows:
A single package, as defined above, can be broken down into the following three elements, and paid for over a three month period:
Element 1: Sending of questionnaires; receiving completed questionnaires; setting up the face-to-face (or Skype) counselling meeting; conducting the counselling meeting. Fee: £225.00 GBP, to be paid at least three days before I send the questionnaires.
Element 2: One month after our meeting, the second payment (of £225.00 GBP) is due. When that payment arrives: I spend several days crunching the data from the questionnaires, and summarizing what I learned from our meeting. I send that report. And two weeks later I will send Follow-up Document 1. And two weeks after that I will send Follow-up Document 2.
Element 3: Two months after our meeting, the third payment of £225.00 GBP is due. When that payment arrives: I authorize the release of the outstanding four documents – (Documents, 3, 4, 5 and 6) – which will be sent at fortnightly intervals, over a period of approximately two months. (The intervals can be increased to reduce the pressure of reading/studying on you).
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Recent Client Testimonial
♣ “Hi Jim, I’m very grateful for your latest report, which is highly detailed and analytical, as always. The content about the (personal details about my relationship) is fascinating. I think your analysis is brilliant, and it sums up so much about my life that I could never have put into words. … Thanks again…”
M.H., Wigan, Lancs. (Three “single packages” of my main service, via the telephone; followed by detailed reports).
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For more client testimonials, please click this link: Unsolicited Client Testimonials.***
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If you wish to sign up for this service, please email drjwbyrne@gmail.com
Or telephone Jim on 01422 843 629 (from inside the UK)
Or 44 1422 843 629 (from outside the UK).
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My (Almost) Pure Talk Therapy Service
This service is for clients who do not learn well from written materials.
1 – First, I ask you to complete a maximum of two questionnaires;
2 – Then we meet for a sixty minute counselling session, face-to-face in Hebden Bridge; or via Skype or the telephone system.
3 – I sometimes send a very brief report after our meeting (if I feel compelled to do so, for the sake of the client’s needs); and I sometimes send a document or two with relevant information (but by no means always!) When I do send such documents, they normally refer back to the results of the assessment questionnaires, and include insights into the client’s personality and lifestyle self-management.
4. End of the (almost) pure talk therapy process.
Some of my talk therapy clients have attended for one or two sessions; but some have been consulting me for more than five years!
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Fees for my Almost Pure Talk Therapy service
With effect from 1st February 2023, the fee for a single session of this service will be just £300.00 GBP.
If you pay in advance for two sessions the combined cost will be just £500.00 GBP – which is a saving of £100.00 GBP.
Once you’ve completed your first two single sessions – or one double session – of Almost Pure Talk Therapy, the session fee will reduce to £200.00. (And at this point, if you book two sessions in advance, the total fee for those two sessions will fall to £300.00 GBP which is an additional saving of £100.00)
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Postscript: I do not offer Payment by Instalments for (Almost) Pure Talk Therapy.
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Unsolicited client testimonial:
“Hi Jim, I’ve learned a lot from working through all the materials you’ve been sending to me over the past few weeks. As we approach the end of the fourth week, I would like to make an appointment for a second session. … I think this service is great value for money, and your fees are well justified!”
V.F., Bradford, West Yorkshire. (One session of my main service, for personal and professional difficulties; including marriage problems).
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For more client testimonials, please click this link: Unsolicited Client Testimonials.***
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Please phone me or email me to discuss setting up an appointment. I will pencil you into my diary.
Telephone: 01422 843 629 (from inside the UK)
Telephone: 44 1422 843 629 (from outside the UK)
Email address: Doctor Jim Byrne.***
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Additional information
Happy relationships are good for us; and couples counselling and therapy can help
There is a lot of research to support the conclusion that a good relationship will keep us happy and healthy. The Harvard Grant Study – which is one of the most important sources of this conclusion – is summarized by Dr Robert Waldinger, who currently leads the study, like this:
“The clearest message we get from this 75 year study is that: good relationships keep us happy and healthier, period (or full stop!) … social connections are really good for us. … loneliness kills. People who are more socially connected to family, to friends and community, are happier, healthier, and they live longer. And loneliness turns out to be toxic. High conflict marriages without much affection are very bad for our health – worse than getting divorced”.
Waldinger, quoted in Daniel Levitin’s book, The Changing Mind: A neuroscientist’s guide to ageing well. Page 376.
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The research evidence shows that having a good relationship is a greater source of happiness than business success or personal wealth.
A happy marriage or couple relationship can only exist on one of two bases: Either…
1. You learned how to have a happy relationship in your family of origin, by copying your parents’ happy relationship;
Or:
2. You worked very hard, as an adult, to learn the knowledge and skills that are needed for successful couple communication based on loving-kindness, equality, forgiveness and peaceful cohabitation.
It cannot happen by an act of sheer will! Or a strong desire. Nor can it happen because you try to manipulate it into existence.
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“A no-effort relationship is a doomed relationship, not a great relationship. It takes work to communicate accurately and it takes work to expose and resolve conflicting hopes and beliefs. It doesn’t mean there is no (sense that) ‘they lived happily ever after,’ but it’s more like ‘they worked happily ever after.’”
Carol Dweck
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♣ “Dear Jim, Last Christmas I thought my marriage (to ‘Len’ [not his real name!]) was over. … But, with your help, we’ve managed to rediscover the love we always had for each other, over many, many years, up to recently. … It’s like going back in time, to happier days of love. I am happier now than at any time in the past four years of strife”.
M.T., Howarth, West Yorkshire. (Four sessions of couples’ therapy for problems of relationship conflict and a drift towards separation).
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My most popular service is my Enhanced Main Service:
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Unsolicited client testimonial:
“Hi Jim, I’ve learned a lot from working through all the materials you’ve been sending to me over the past few weeks. As we approach the end of the fourth week, I would like to make an appointment for a second session. … I think this service is great value for money, and your fees are well justified!”
V.F., Bradford, West Yorkshire. (One session of my main service, for personal and professional difficulties; including marriage problems).
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For more client testimonials, please click this link: Unsolicited Client Testimonials.***
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Please phone me or email me to discuss setting up an appointment. I will pencil you into my diary. Your fee will be due 72 hours before we are due to meet.
Telephone: 01422 843 629 (from inside the UK)
Telephone: 44 1422 843 629 (from outside the UK)
Email address: Doctor Jim Byrne.***
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♣ “Good Morning Jim, I hope you and your wife are keeping well in these challenging times. I wanted to drop you a line to give you some great news. Frank and I have had a real break-through in our relationship. He recently began to demonstrate his love for me in ways that had not happened for years. I was blown away! So here is my big thank you, and I will always be grateful to you for your great guidance and therapy.”
K.D., Calderdale, West Yorkshire. (Four sessions of couples therapy).
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For more client testimonials, please click this link: Unsolicited Client Testimonials.***
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♣ Hi Jim, I think you’re a genius, the way you helped me with my anxiety, my relationship problems, and even my gut problem. Your guidance and advice were invaluable. Nobody had been able to help me, up to seeing you. Of course, I still have occasional low days, but most of the time I feel wonderfully well. I just cannot find the words to express my gratitude to you for the fact that I now feel at peace with my very difficult family background, and my recent relationship problems, and my anxiety and panic. I am much more aware of my feelings and how to manage them. I have never felt so content and at peace in my life before, and it’s a great feeling. I am a changed person because of your wisdom. Thank you so very much.
N.P., Halifax, West Yorkshire. (Fourteen sessions of face-to-face counselling for anxiety, attachment issues, family-of-origin problems, and couples therapy).
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For an illustration of the kinds of reports I’ve produced in the past, please see Sample Report Structures.***
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Receiving your reports, for the Enhanced Main Service only…
Within 7 to 10 days of our meeting, I will send you my individualized report (or at least Chunk One, if it is too big to do in one chunk) . When a couple signs up for this process, each of you will receive a personal report, which will be confidential to you. I will not share your report with your partner.
My reports will provide the basis for you (and your partner, where appropriate) to come to understand yourselves better – especially the dynamics that cause major problems in your relationship – and to make the personal changes that will move your relationship forward into a positive, rewarding, loving and enjoyable future.
For an illustration of the kinds of reports I’ve produced in the past, please see Sample Report Structure.***
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♣ “Dear Jim, We are very pleased with the result we got from the couples therapy sessions we had with you. Our problems are now largely resolved, and we are enjoying our relationship”.
O.A., Bradford, West Yorkshire. (Three sessions of couples therapy; combined with four sessions of individual therapy for one member of this couple).
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Staying together or splitting amicably
Of course, some couples will decide that the evidence of significant incompatibilities warrants a separation/divorce, rather than a repairing/rebuilding of their relationship; but armed with my reports they are more likely to achieve an amicable separation, which avoids exorbitant legal fees; and also sidesteps the heartache of protracted angry recriminations.
Whether you end up rebuilding your relationship, or taking it apart in a civilized, loving manner, which minimizes stress for all the parties involved (including any children!), I would consider either outcome to be a step up from the often hateful, vengeful, recriminatory splits that make life miserable for everybody.
Follow-up therapy sessions
After you have completed any of the above services, you may then want further support in the form of ongoing face-to-face’; Skype; or Telephone conversations. At that point, the cost of further counselling sessions will be as follows:
One session of Pure Talk Therapy will cost you £240; but you can book two sessions at a time for just £380.00 for the two. This represents a saving of £100.00 GBP.
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If you’d like me to help you with your couple relationship, then please phone me on 01422 843 629, to set up a pencilled-in appointment (for yourself, and/or your partner).
Or 44 1422 843 629 from outside the UK.
Or email me at Dr Jim Byrne
For more information about me, please go to About Dr Jim Byrne.***
Or take a look at a collection of unsolicited testimonials that were sent to me by former and/or current clients.***
Dr Jim Byrne
Doctor of Counselling
ABC Counselling and Psychotherapy Services
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♣ Verbal feedback: “Every time we come to see you, our relationship gets better and better. We did not expect this. We have now reached a kind of comfortable plateau, and we don’t know if things will get any better. But we have talked about it, and we don’t know what you said or what you did to help us to get to this much nicer place in our relationship”.
Dr.A.D, North Halifax, West Yorkshire. UK. (Five sessions of face to face couples therapy).
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If you think it would be difficult to get your partner to participate in couples therapy, then please read the following advice on the Gottman Institute website: 5 Steps to Inspire Your Partner to Join You in Attending Couples Therapy.***
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# Dr Jim Byrne’s Counselling and Psychotherapy Division
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# Renata Taylor-Byrne’s Coaching/Counselling Division
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# Books that change lives by growing the individual: ABC Bookstore Online UK
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ABC Counselling and Psychotherapy, Hebden Bridge 