Couples therapy and relationship counselling, coaching and psychotherapy in Hebden Bridge, West Yorkshire, HX7 8HJ
“Couples therapy and relationship counselling is particularly important in the modern world, because we have reached a 50% divorce rate, and family misery is greatly increased by couple conflict. Many couples expect to be able to ‘operate’ a successful relationship without having the slightest idea what a ‘relationship is’, what ‘marital commitment’ means, or even how to ‘actively love’ their partner (other than in an amorous, sexual manner). Amorous and sexual love comes naturally to all primates, and many other animals, but the ability to achieve a happy relationship in a human community has to be learned!”
Dr Jim Byrne, December 2016
Eighteen Key Principles of Happy Relationships through Couples Therapy
by Dr Jim Byrne
What is couples therapy, and how can it improve relationships between married and cohabiting couples? According to the Mayo Clinic:
“Marriage counselling, also called couples therapy, is a type of psychotherapy. Marriage counselling helps couples of all types recognise and resolve conflicts and improve their relationships. Through marriage counselling, you can make thoughtful decisions about rebuilding your relationship or going your separate ways.”
According to Life Hacker: “The main purpose of couples therapy is to put you and your significant other in a room with a neutral mediator to help you make sense of what’s going on. If you’re having trouble communicating with each other, then the counsel or is going to help guide you through talking about it.”
In the system of counselling that I use, there are three definitions of relationship, which help you to know what is a realistic expectation of your partner, and what your partner is likely to expect from you to make the relationship equal and viable. Then there are eighteen principles of happy relationship, which teach you the core beliefs that can guide you into a happy and peaceful sharing of your future life with your partner.
Over the years (since 1984) I have tried to identify the most helpful insights on managing happy, loving relationships, and I have passed these on to my couple-clients.
At the last count, I had collected, and/or developed, eighteen principles, or things you can do, which make the biggest and quickest contribution to improving your capacity to manage a happy couple relationship. (The number eighteen does not include those principles mentioned above).
Here is the first one, as an illustration:
1. A marriage (or marriage-like relationship) is a “house” that is built every day. What actions did you consciously take to build the “house” of your marriage today?
When you wake up in the morning, remind yourself that all you have are ‘the foundations’ of a relationship. You now have to build that relationship all over again; every single day. The house of your relationship is never complete. You can never ‘clock off’.
A relationship is not something you HAVE, it is something you DO! It is a process rather than a thing.
If you go to sleep in your relationship, you will wake up to find it has collapsed from want of repair. Having destructive arguments with your partner about who is right and who is wrong, and especially who is ‘top dog’ and who is ‘under dog’, is equivalent to trying to polish the walls of your “house” with sledge hammers! You will wreck it in no time. So I ask again:
What actions did you consciously take today to build the “house” of your relationship?
What actions did you take to stop swinging the wrecking ball against the walls of your relationship?
If you need help with conflict or dissatisfaction in your marriage or couple relationship, then this is the page for you.
Counselling services for couples – help with conflict and communication problems.
It has often been said, including by Werner Erhard, that people can’t communicate because what they call communication isn’t communication at all; and they cannot manage relationships, because their definitions of relationship are naive and simplistic. I can teach you how to communicate effectively with your loved ones, and to have great relationships at home and at work.
Dr Jim Byrne, Couple counsellor
Here are two more of my key principles:
Principles, insights and techniques for successful relating by happy couples
2. If you want your relationship to survive, then you need to maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative moments. If you fail to do this, then your relationship is heading for disintegration. “But what more can I do?”, I hear you ask. Try this:
Avoid criticising your partner. Criticism is corrosive and destroys self esteem and good feelings in a relationship. Use reasonable ‘assertive complaints’ about behaviours, not about your partner’s essence, or person-hood.
Remember to set up dates and assignations with your partner, for friendly talk, walks, outings and sex-love encounters. High quality time together counts towards the 5 positives that you need. Ignoring or abandoning your partner counts towards the negative side of the equation.
Demonstrate respect and care for your partner. Take responsibility for your side of the relationship. And develop a deeper and deeper knowledge of ‘who’ your partner is. Try to find out more and more about their values, ideas, dreams, childhood, friendships, goals, etc.
3. The best way to get love is to sincerely offer it to your partner. In what ways could you offer love to your partner which you are not currently doing?
“But”, I hear you protest, “what love do I get from them?” That’s a really crazy way to do the sums. It’s just like the person sitting in front of a cold and black stove, with a huge wooden log in their hands, and saying to the stove: “If you give me some heat, I’ll give you this log!” Crazy! All they have to do is put the log on the fire, and fan the resulting flames a little; and – whoosh – up come the warming heat.
Do not wait for your partner to start loving you before you will love them. That’s crazy. Become the source of love in your relationship, and watch the magical results!
Take responsibility for the state of your relationship. “If there’s a problem here, then I am responsible”. Nobody’s coming on a cuffing white charger to rescue your relationship. Get stuck in and sort it out.
Successful lovers are ‘givers’. Unsuccessful lovers are like vampires. They are looking to suck some kind of benefit out of their partner. This is the wrong way around. Your partner will flee from vampire behaviour.
To learn the remaining 15 principles of happy couple relationships, please contact Dr Jim Byrne for a coaching, counselling or psychotherapy session.
Or phone: 01422 843 629
Couples Therapy and Marriage Guidance in Hebden Bridge
By Dr Jim Byrne – Doctor of Counselling
My name is Jim Byrne, and I am a very happily married Doctor of Counselling. I completed my own couple’s therapy work in 1984, and I’ve had 32 years of very happy marriage since that time.
I have now been in private practice as a coach/ counsellor/ psychotherapist for more than eighteen years, in Hebden Bridge, near Halifax, West Yorkshire; and all over the world via the telephone and internet systems.
During that time, I’ve been pleased to help lots of couples with all kinds of marriage, relationship and communication problems. Here’s a little video introduction to the kinds of ideas that I teach to my clients in couple’s therapy:
Here are just three of the testimonials I’ve received from some of those couples:
♣ Email feedback: “Dear Jim, … PS: We consulted you by telephone a few years ago, for relationship conflict, involving a very serious rift … And we are now happily married with a nine month old child. Your help was fantastic, and we still use the phrases and descriptions you used then. In fact, we have a list of insights on a laminated poster on our living room wall, to keep us on the straight and narrow! We will always be grateful for those insights.” S.W. (and P.W), Sheffield. (Six sessions of telephone counselling [using speaker phone] for couple conflict and relationship advice).
♣ Verbal feedback: “Every time we come to see you, our relationship gets better and better. We did not expect this. We have now reached a kind of comfortable plateau, and we don’t know if things will get any better. But we have talked about it, and we don’t know what you said or what you did to help us to get to this much nicer place in our relationship”.
Dr. A.D, North Halifax, West Yorkshire. UK. (Five sessions of face to face couples therapy).
♣ Postcard (in an envelope!): “Hiya Jim, Thanks for everything you’ve done for me. Without you and this (counselling) work, I wouldn’t be here now. I would have killed myself weeks ago!”
P.C., Rochdale, Lancs. UK. (Six sessions of face-to-face counselling for anger, rage, attachment issues, couple conflict and suicidal intent).
Most systems of couples therapy are not very effective, for a variety of reasons. But my approach has the advantage of being an educational process, in which the partners learn to be more loving, more caring, and much more skillful in the way they relate to each other. This is novel and unique. I also outlaw any form of conflict in the therapy room. Time is shared equally, and one partner works with me at a time, and the other one remains silent and respectful of their partner’s right to share their perspective and their perceptions.
I am in no doubt that I have a special talent for helping couples in distress, conflict and deteriorating communication.
I earned that special talent by growing up in a loveless home, and learning about love the hard way later on. I learned that special talent by going through marriage guidance with my own wife, back in the mid-1980s, and learning how to relate to her in more realistic, reasonable and loving ways. I learned that special talent by studying some of the most potent and powerful approaches to couples therapy that have been developed on this planet so far.
Now I want to teach what I have learned to you!
Does this sound interesting to you?
If so, you can contact me today,
By email to email@example.com
Or by phoning 01422 843 629
Do you have any problems of relationship conflict, or communication difficulties, or romantic or sexual issues? Do you feel your relationship is declining in satisfaction for you or your partner, and you want to revive the excitement of the early years? If so, then I can help you.
I look forward to meeting you (individually or as a couple) and to helping you to have the kind of highly successful marriage that I have enjoyed every single day of my blessed life, for more than 30 years!
Dr Jim Byrne
Doctor of Counselling
And Couples Therapy coach/counsellor/psychotherapist
If you do not live close enough to Hebden Bridge to take advantage of this revolutionary teaching/coaching service in couples therapy, then you can email me to set up a long-distance process, by phone or Skype.
Email to firstname.lastname@example.org
Do you have any couple conflict issues; or problems of interpersonal relating; or help with deadlocks in your negotiations of your areas of difference? If so, then I can help you to resolve your difficulties.
To set up an appointment, call me today on:
Telephone: 01422 843 629 (inside the UK)
Telephone: 44 1422 843 629 (outside the UK)
Or email me at: email@example.com
Or download an information pack: Information pack for Face to Face clients
Don’t miss this chance to improve the most important relationship in your life.
Call me today.
Doctor of Counselling
ABC Coaching and Counselling Services
Do you need help with your marriage problems, relationship issues, or couple difficulties? If so, I can help you.
If you still do not have enough information to make a decision about whether or not to consult me with your problems with couple relationship, then here is some additional information:
Self-help resources for Couples in conflict*** (To buy a full copy of Jim’s 18 principles of happy relations, please email firstname.lastname@example.org)
Frequently asked questions (FAQs)