How to fix a conflicted Christmas and an Unhappy New Year aftermath…
By Dr Jim Byrne, Doctor of Counselling
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Introduction
We are here, and it is now. And it seems this now, where we are, is the same now we were in before the Christmas and New Year fantasies arrived to try to sweep us off our feet.
Of course, Christmas and the New Year are a great opportunity for families and friends to get together, to share food, and exchange gifts, and to be happy and relaxed, away from a tough working year.
I hope you are one of the many people who has enjoyed the festivities; the special foods; the parties; the gift exchanging; and any spiritual significance the festivities had for you. (And even if you could not afford the special foods, and the gift exchanges, etc., I still hop you had a happy and peaceful time over the holiday period!)
I hope you are not one of those unfortunate people for whom Christmas turned into interpersonal conflict; unhappiness; and strained relationships.
The Holiday Fall-out
Every year, around this time, I see at least one or two individuals – and sometimes a married-couple or two – who have had a miserable Christmas or New Year event. And so I have a lot of experience of dealing with those kinds of upsets.
In 2016, I wrote a pamphlet about How to Beat the Christmas Blues, in which I described my system of “re-framing adversities” in order to restore your sense of happiness and peace – even while conflict is going on, and in its aftermath. I subsequently wrote a book on How to Have a Great Relationship.
But this year, in the run-up to Christmas, I decided to write a book about How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness – Especially during Festive Celebrations – which would be helpful to individuals and couples – and families – throughout the year; because conflict and unhappiness can arise whenever families and friends congregate anywhere, at any time. It is true that Christmas seems to be the main contender for the title of “the unhappiest time of year (for a minority of people”) – and as “the biggest surge in divorce petitions” (again, affecting for a minority of couples).
My solution to holiday conflict and unhappiness
In this book, I have presented a very powerful ‘technology’ for overcoming emotional distress – regardless of the cause. I have also included special advice for couples about how to communicate so as to avoid conflict – or to manage that conflict better; plus special sections on insights into how to communicate more effectively with loved ones; and how to understand and improve your own ‘conflict style’.
I have provided a page of information about the content of this book on the ABC Bookstore Online. Click this link for more.***
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Best wishes for a Happy 2020 (which is here and now).
THE NEW WRITING PROJECT: A TRILOGY ON COUPLES THERAPY AND HAPPY RELATIONSHIPS
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Copyright (c) Jim Byrne, 2018
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Introduction
In this blog post, I want to introduce you to my writing project – which involves three new books on couples therapy.
Writing is in my blood. I have been writing since I was 19 years old, when I used to have to construct routine notices for military noticeboards! (Who would have guessed it?!) But it took 11 years before I published my first two books. Then another 39 years to figure out how not only to write meaningful and engaging material – (which I could edit adequately; and which I could publish and promote) – before I could claim to be a relatively successful author/editor/publisher.
But all of that is just too conscious, and agent-centred. Perhaps it should not be seen in those terms. Indeed, my current situation supports that view. This is it:
Somewhere in the past 48+ hours (in March 2018), I began to write a three volume series on couples therapy, based on my twenty five years (in 2023) of experience of helping many couples to improve their marriages, or marriage-like relationships.
But there I go again, expressing the viewpoint of ‘the agent’. In practice, it might be more accurate to write that “a three volume series on couples therapy began to write me; or began to write itself, through me!”
Anyway, whether I, or my Muse, are responsible, the writing work has begun. Not that you could call what I have done so far “writing a book”. Why? Because there is such a huge amount of material to be organized into three volumes.
The main reason for the three volumes is the sheer mass of helpful insights, techniques, models, experiences and processes that I want to share with fellow counsellors, therapists, counselling students, and self-help enthusiasts.
But if I have learned one thing in the process of trying to write books that sell, it is this: Readers want to read a digestible chunk of material which is clear, relatively simple (in so far as that is achievable without losing value!), and not too broad in scope. And my main motivation in writing, from the beginning, has been to serve the reader; to make their journey enjoyable, and as effortless as possible.
When I briefly reviewed the material on couples therapy that I have on hand, I found it was like being a gardener who has only three window boxes (the three ‘volumes’), but into those three containers s/he has to place the most important parts of a huge lawn, some colourful flower beds, a rockery, and a huge shrubbery.
How to narrow down the material to fit the boxes?
I had no idea! So, I slept on that problem, overnight, and the next day (yesterday) I had evolved a viable division. (Again, the ‘agent’! Perhaps I should write: “’It’ had evolved itself into a more manageable shape, which has an internal consistency!”)
Over the weeks ahead, I will publish bits and pieces of Volume 1, so that interested individuals can get a sense of what is ‘coming down the (turn)pike’.
Postscript on 7th December 2023: I have been so busy, writing assessment and analysis reportsfor my counselling and therapy clients, that I have not made much progress with this couples therapy writing project.
But it is still on the back burner. One day, I will get to it!
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The challenge of writing
Writing in general is a hugely challenging proposition. I enjoy it enormously. And it can be rewarding when the books begin to sell as well as our recent book is doing. Lifestyle Counselling and Coaching for the Whole Person is the first major breakthrough we have had in our publishing activities so far. In the month of March to date, it has brought in about 40% of my gross income.
But please remember, it took me 50 years to get to this point, and the world will never be able to pay me enough for all the hours of ‘apprenticeship’ that I have spent on my loving care of the written word! (Individuals who want to get help with their own writing projects can always tap into my writing experience, here: Authorship Coaching.***)
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And if you have an interest in couples therapy, for yourself, your clients, or whatever, I hope my new project will prove interesting to you.
Posted on 25th December 2017. (Updated on 12th April 2021)
Dr Jim’s Counselling Blog: Christmas conflict in families and couples
The importance of negotiation and fairness between marriage and cohabiting partners
Copyright (c) Jim Byrne, 2015-2017-2021
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Introduction
Every Christmas, the incidence of domestic violence increases significantly, because of the stresses and strains of the Christmas and Winter Holiday madness, whipped up by marketing gurus, to promote sales of unnecessary ‘stuff’. But also because of the lack of commitment to equality in relationships (which most often involves male domination, except when it involves female domination!)
But the underlying weaknesses, which allows domestic violence to emerge, is cultural conditioning, or the lack thereof. A fully functioning democratic and humanistic culture would outlaw any form of the use of violence to settle our differences, at home, at work or in international relations.
In this blog post, I set out to review two principles that are important to happy and healthy couple relationships.
Those two principles come from the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project[1].
However, because of pressure of time and space, I had to settle for reviewing just one principle this time. (I’ll review the second one next week!)
The principle that I am reviewing is one of eight from the Equality ‘wheel’, and this is it: The importance of negotiation and fairness between marriage and cohabiting partners.
Equality Wheel deals with
Non-Violence
There are 8 principles involved, as follows: – Negotiation and fairness – Non-threatening behaviour – Respect – Trust and support – Honesty and accountability – Responsible parenting – Shared responsibility – economic partnership
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I review this principle in the context of the fact that Dr Michael Edelstein, a former colleague from the world of Rational therapy (REBT) refuses to discuss fairness issues with his couples therapy clients because (he says) he cannot identify any objective criteria for judging what is fair and what is unfair.
However, in the process of reviewing the principle of negotiation and fairness, below, I will outline some very obvious criteria for assessing the presence or absence of fairness in couple disputes.
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How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness: Especially during Festive Celebrations:
Coping with and resolving frustrations, disappointments and interpersonal clashes at family celebrations like Christmas, Yuletide, Hanukkah, Eid, and Thanksgiving
Dr Jim Byrne (With Renata Taylor-Byrne)
Conflict can happen in families at any time of year. It jut so happens that the first Monday after the Christmas & New Year annual holidays is called ‘Divorce Day’, because that is when the highest number of divorce petitions is issued. And it seems most likely that the other major family holiday times are the runners up in the divorce stakes. However, what is hidden under these divorce statistics is the mountain of personal and social misery that precedes such drastic ‘solutions’ to repeated conflict, disappointments and interpersonal clashes.
But there is a better way to deal with these problems. Rather than letting the misery build up over time, you can take control of both your own mind, and the way you communicate within your family and society. You can insulate your social relationships from constant or repeated misery and unhappiness; and learn to have a wonderful life with your family and friends.
The solutions have been assembled by Dr Jim Byrne in this book about how to re-think/re-feel/re-frame your encounters with your significant others; how to communicate so they will listen; how to listen so they can communicate with you; and how to manage your lifestyle for optimum peace, happiness and success in all your relationships.
Just over a year ago, I introduced the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, and I said I would return to that subject, and explore the two wheels which they use to teach the distinction between unhelpful and unjustifiable ‘Power and control’ approaches to couple relationships, on the one hand, and civilized and indispensable ‘Equality’ approaches, on the other hand.
Each wheel contains eight principles, and the Duluth project advocates the use of the eight ‘equality principles’, and rejects the use of any of the eight principles of ‘power and control’. In brief, this means that the appropriate way for a couple to relate to each other is from a basis of equal status, and an immoral and illegal way to relate is through the abuse of power to control the other person.
It seemed to make most sense for me to tackle this distinction by reviewing pairs of principles, one from each wheel. However, in practice I have found that, because of space constraints, I cannot review two principles in one blog post – so I will review one ‘equality’ principle this week, and one ‘power and control’ principle next week.
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Equality 1: The principle of negotiation and fairness
This week I want to begin by reviewing the ‘equality principle’ of ‘negotiation and fairness’.
My way of going about this, to begin with, is to refer back to the debate I had, in 2010, with Dr Michael Edelstein, a former colleague of mine in the world of Rational therapy (REBT). Michael is a clinical psychologist who lives in San Francisco, practices REBT, was born in Brooklyn, NY, completed his academic psychology training in New York City, attended the REBT Institute from its physical inception in 1965, associated with Albert Ellis beginning in 1963, authored three books on REBT, trains therapists in REBT, and so can be assumed to know his REBT very well. (Michael is also known as ‘The 3 Minute Therapist’, whose website can be found at: http://www.threeminutetherapy.com/).
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How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness: Especially during Festive Celebrations:
Coping with and resolving frustrations, disappointments and interpersonal clashes at family celebrations like Christmas, Yuletide, Hanukkah, Eid, and Thanksgiving
Dr Jim Byrne (With Renata Taylor-Byrne)
Conflict can happen in families at any time of year. It jut so happens that the first Monday after the Christmas & New Year annual holidays is called ‘Divorce Day’, because that is when the highest number of divorce petitions is issued. And it seems most likely that the other major family holiday times are the runners up in the divorce stakes. However, what is hidden under these divorce statistics is the mountain of personal and social misery that precedes such drastic ‘solutions’ to repeated conflict, disappointments and interpersonal clashes.
But there is a better way to deal with these problems. Rather than letting the misery build up over time, you can take control of both your own mind, and the way you communicate within your family and society. You can insulate your social relationships from constant or repeated misery and unhappiness; and learn to have a wonderful life with your family and friends.
The solutions have been assembled by Dr Jim Byrne in this book about how to re-think/re-feel/re-frame your encounters with your significant others; how to communicate so they will listen; how to listen so they can communicate with you; and how to manage your lifestyle for optimum peace, happiness and success in all your relationships.
On the importance of fairness, justice and morality
At the time when I was preparing to post my paper on ‘Fairness, Justice and Morality’[2] (back in 2010), Michael wrote to me to say that:
“Everyone has their own subjective view about what is fair. My preferences and hedonic calculi differ from that of others. Since there’s no cosmic or absolute criterion for evaluating fairness, I have not come up with a useful way to view it. Consequently, I advise my clients to jettison the entire concept”.
I was pretty sure Michael was overlooking something here about fairness. So I argued the point with him, but I could not persuade him to take the concept of fairness seriously.
Today I would argue my case differently. This is what I would say:
There is a huge objective criterionof fairness which has been around since ancient Chinese civilization: the Golden Rule. The Golden rule can be expressed like this: You morally must not treat another person less well than you would like them to treat you, if your roles were reversed.
And you must treat your marriage partner at least as well as you would like them to treat you in identical circumstances!
Contrary to Michael’s viewpoint, this principle is very easy to apply in situations of conflict with couples in therapy. Each member of a couple either is, or is not, willing to treat their partner at least as well as they expect to be treated.
This couldn’t be clearer, and (in my opinion) the most likely potential explanations for Michael Edelstein’s inability to see this point, back in 2010, were: (1) that he was influenced by the amoral philosophy of Albert Ellis[3]; and/or (2) the nonsensical philosophy of Logical Positivism; and/or (3) the useless system of Act Utilitarianism (which is much less usable than Rule Utilitarianism); and/or (4) the ubiquitous philosophies of neo-liberalism and post-modern moral relativity! (Because of lack of space, I will have to defer further clarification of the distinction between Act and Rule Utilitarianism until next week).
The debate in 2010
Back to what I wrote to Michael in 2010:
“I’m pretty sure most people would agree on this principle of fairness, no matter how subjective the concept of fairness might seem to be in some other cases. In other words, although we humans sometimes have problems defining what we mean by fairness, from case to case, we (reasonable people) nevertheless find the concept of fairness indispensable, and we more often than not do find ways to define it which are ‘socially agreed’ (by some group or community, some society or country, some continent, or some strata of some culture, etc.). In negotiations between individuals, we often find that the idea of what is fair is ‘inter-subjective’ (meaning, shared between several individuals; or common to a whole group of people), and not just ‘merely subjective’ (meaning – when used pejoratively – locked in the mind of one isolated, unrepresentative individual).”
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At one point, Dr Edelstein got back to me to clarify that his problem with the principle of fairness was a practical one: How can it be used in couples therapy with squabbling couples? Surely this is not possible since there do not seem to be any objective criteria by which to define fairness.
Today, I want to test Michael’s perspective against one of the two wheels of the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project[4].
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How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness: Especially during Festive Celebrations:
Coping with and resolving frustrations, disappointments and interpersonal clashes at family celebrations like Christmas, Yuletide, Hanukkah, Eid, and Thanksgiving
Dr Jim Byrne (With Renata Taylor-Byrne)
Conflict can happen in families at any time of year. It jut so happens that the first Monday after the Christmas & New Year annual holidays is called ‘Divorce Day’, because that is when the highest number of divorce petitions is issued. And it seems most likely that the other major family holiday times are the runners up in the divorce stakes. However, what is hidden under these divorce statistics is the mountain of personal and social misery that precedes such drastic ‘solutions’ to repeated conflict, disappointments and interpersonal clashes.
But there is a better way to deal with these problems. Rather than letting the misery build up over time, you can take control of both your own mind, and the way you communicate within your family and society. You can insulate your social relationships from constant or repeated misery and unhappiness; and learn to have a wonderful life with your family and friends.
The solutions have been assembled by Dr Jim Byrne in this book about how to re-think/re-feel/re-frame your encounters with your significant others; how to communicate so they will listen; how to listen so they can communicate with you; and how to manage your lifestyle for optimum peace, happiness and success in all your relationships.
The equality wheel: The equality wheel is segmented into eight subdivisions, each containing one principle. All eight principles are subsumed under two headings: either ‘Equality’ or ‘Power and control’.
In the remainder of this blog post, I will take a look at just one of the equality/non-violence principles: Negotiation and fairness.
Under this principle (which emphasizes the importance of negotiating outcomes, and doing so fairly), there are three ‘guidelines’, or ‘key points’, as follows:
# Seeking mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict;
# Accepting change; and:
# Being willing to compromise.
My response to Michael would be that, in my relationship with my partner, I can demonstrate fairness by (1) negotiating satisfying resolutions to conflicts; (2) accepting that changes are inevitable, and showing that I am willing to change when (reasonably) necessary; and (3) being willing to compromise when we have conflicting goals or desires.
To apply the ‘principle of generosity’ to Michael Edelstein’s argument, let us focus on his alternative to using the concept of fairness.
“As far as I can tell in working with squabbling couples, both justifying their own position with what’s ‘fair’, I have not arrived at any objective criteria to settle the fairness argument. I tell them, ‘Discussing what is fair is a dead end and often toxic to relationships. Discuss what worksfor both of you, instead’.”
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How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness: Especially during Festive Celebrations:
Coping with and resolving frustrations, disappointments and interpersonal clashes at family celebrations like Christmas, Yuletide, Hanukkah, Eid, and Thanksgiving
Dr Jim Byrne (With Renata Taylor-Byrne)
Conflict can happen in families at any time of year. It jut so happens that the first Monday after the Christmas & New Year annual holidays is called ‘Divorce Day’, because that is when the highest number of divorce petitions is issued. And it seems most likely that the other major family holiday times are the runners up in the divorce stakes. However, what is hidden under these divorce statistics is the mountain of personal and social misery that precedes such drastic ‘solutions’ to repeated conflict, disappointments and interpersonal clashes.
But there is a better way to deal with these problems. Rather than letting the misery build up over time, you can take control of both your own mind, and the way you communicate within your family and society. You can insulate your social relationships from constant or repeated misery and unhappiness; and learn to have a wonderful life with your family and friends.
The solutions have been assembled by Dr Jim Byrne in this book about how to re-think/re-feel/re-frame your encounters with your significant others; how to communicate so they will listen; how to listen so they can communicate with you; and how to manage your lifestyle for optimum peace, happiness and success in all your relationships.
What could this mean to a couple: (‘What works for both of you’)?
Here are my attempted answers:
If they have a ‘mutual problem’, as defined by Helen Hall Clinard[5], then nothing works for both of them; because what Partner 1 wants is the very opposite of what Partner 2 wants and vice versa; or, at the very least, the two goals are mutually exclusive! (So Michael could study Chapter 4 of Helen’s book, and introduce his couple clients to the process of ‘turning conflict into cooperation’. That would provide him with some practical approaches to building fairness in practice, based on objective criteria.
But there is an immediate, and, I suspect, an insurmountable problem here for Michael, because of his rigid conformity to Albert Ellis’s belief system. Let me explain:
In the opening paragraph of Chapter 4, Helen Clinard writes this: “Sometimes it is not easy for a person who is causing you a problem to change in the way that you want. People who work or live together often have conflicting needs”. (Page 109).
But according to (Extreme) REBT theory, people do not have any needs at all (in the interpersonal area)![6] Apart from air, water and basic food, everything else is treated as a ‘want’ or a ‘desire’ in Extreme REBT.[7] In other words, for Albert Ellis and his extreme stoical followers, ‘need’ is a synonym for the dreaded words – ‘should’ and/or ‘must’ – which “have to be” totally outlawed (and replaced with mere preferences)!
If any of Michael’s couples lack clarity about how to compromise, Michael could teach them how to do that. For example, he could teach them the example used in Getting to Yes, by Fisher and Ury[8] – about sharing an orange – not by arbitrarily cutting it down the middle, but by finding out ‘the reason’ each partner wants the orange, and (perhaps) discovering that one mainly wants the peel (to put in a cake mix) and the other mainly wants the fruit (to squeeze as juice). But, to go down this route, Michael would have to believe that people have rights and needs, and that does not seem to be part of his belief system.
If Michael studied Fisher and Ury, he could then teach his couple clients their basis system, which is:
(a) Separate the people from the problem. (Michael is officially good at this, since REBT theory teaches clients to distinguish between their partner, on the one hand, and their partner’s behaviours on the other).
(b) Talk in terms of interests rather than positions. (This is harder for Michael, because he has been trained to fit the whole phenomenal world into just two boxes – [1] Reality [which Must exist exactly as it is], and [2] Your Preferences [which do not have to exist at all!] Can he make the challenging shift towards considering that clients have real-life interests, {arising out of felt needs} which harden into positions?])
(c) Generate a variety of possibilities before deciding what to do. (This approach fits better into the Egan Model[9] than it would into Michael’s simple ABC model).
(d) Insist that the results be based on some objective standard. (Like the Golden Rule; or mutual influence. But, would Michael be willing to use the Golden Rule?)
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How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness: Especially during Festive Celebrations:
Coping with and resolving frustrations, disappointments and interpersonal clashes at family celebrations like Christmas, Yuletide, Hanukkah, Eid, and Thanksgiving
Dr Jim Byrne (With Renata Taylor-Byrne)
Conflict can happen in families at any time of year. It jut so happens that the first Monday after the Christmas & New Year annual holidays is called ‘Divorce Day’, because that is when the highest number of divorce petitions is issued. And it seems most likely that the other major family holiday times are the runners up in the divorce stakes. However, what is hidden under these divorce statistics is the mountain of personal and social misery that precedes such drastic ‘solutions’ to repeated conflict, disappointments and interpersonal clashes.
But there is a better way to deal with these problems. Rather than letting the misery build up over time, you can take control of both your own mind, and the way you communicate within your family and society. You can insulate your social relationships from constant or repeated misery and unhappiness; and learn to have a wonderful life with your family and friends.
The solutions have been assembled by Dr Jim Byrne in this book about how to re-think/re-feel/re-frame your encounters with your significant others; how to communicate so they will listen; how to listen so they can communicate with you; and how to manage your lifestyle for optimum peace, happiness and success in all your relationships.
Michael could also teach his couple clients the three ‘key points’ I extracted from the Equality wheel of the Duluth project, as follows:
# 1 Seek mutually satisfying resolutions to conflict;
# 2 Accept change; and:
# 3 Be willing to compromise.
He could cover #1 above with either the Golden Rule, or Helen Clinard’s Mutual Problem Solving process. Point #3 is covered by Fisher and Ury’s negotiation process; and, again, by the Golden Rule. And point #2 is an expression of the Buddhist principle that “change is the law of life” (and the [moderate] Stoic principle of ‘accepting the things you cannot change’). Point 2 is also subject to the principle (from Professor John Gottman) that we should “let our partner influence us” – and my refinement, which is this: “Let your partner influence you, up to, but not beyond, the degree to which they are willing to allow you to influence them”!
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Moving on…
If a couple comes to see me, and Partner 1 says that Partner 2 is acting unfairly, I will explore that complaint in terms of how it fits within my understanding of how the Golden Rule – (of treating other people the way we would ideally like to be treated in our turn) – would apply to their situation. I would encourage the partners to compromise, and to seek mutually satisfying resolution to their conflict.
I will try to teach Partner 2 the costs (in the medium to longer term) of acting unfairly; of not compromising; and of not seeking mutually acceptable outcomes (on average). (The cost to the oppressive partner is the ultimate loss of the relationship. The second cost is gaining a reputation for oppressive behaviour and immoral and often illegal action against their partner).
I will teach each partner the absolute necessity to allow their partner to influence them (up to, but not exceeding approximately 50% of the time, on average), and to expect to be able to influence their partner (up to, but not exceeding, about 50% of the time, on average).
If the partners insist on bickering about the precise percentages that each of them gives, or takes, I will conclude one of two things:
Either, one (or both) of them is stuck in exploitation mode; and they are not trusted by their partner; or:
This is a ‘presenting problem’, and the ‘real problem’ is hidden; perhaps a deep, emerging incompatibility, or a serious lack of satisfaction with the love or sex or romance in the relationship. (When a couple is deeply satisfied with the level of love and passion and romance and comfort in their relationship, they both seem to be able to ‘cut their partner some slack’ in their partner’s areas of deficiency!)
~~~
How to Resolve Conflict and Unhappiness: Especially during Festive Celebrations:
Coping with and resolving frustrations, disappointments and interpersonal clashes at family celebrations like Christmas, Yuletide, Hanukkah, Eid, and Thanksgiving
Dr Jim Byrne (With Renata Taylor-Byrne)
Conflict can happen in families at any time of year. It jut so happens that the first Monday after the Christmas & New Year annual holidays is called ‘Divorce Day’, because that is when the highest number of divorce petitions is issued. And it seems most likely that the other major family holiday times are the runners up in the divorce stakes. However, what is hidden under these divorce statistics is the mountain of personal and social misery that precedes such drastic ‘solutions’ to repeated conflict, disappointments and interpersonal clashes.
But there is a better way to deal with these problems. Rather than letting the misery build up over time, you can take control of both your own mind, and the way you communicate within your family and society. You can insulate your social relationships from constant or repeated misery and unhappiness; and learn to have a wonderful life with your family and friends.
The solutions have been assembled by Dr Jim Byrne in this book about how to re-think/re-feel/re-frame your encounters with your significant others; how to communicate so they will listen; how to listen so they can communicate with you; and how to manage your lifestyle for optimum peace, happiness and success in all your relationships.
But eight or nine times out of ten, when I work with unfairness issues in couples’ therapy, I can help the couple to resolve their problems, by teaching them to operate from The Golden Rule. And by allowing their partner to influence them, on a completely egalitarian basis – give and take. (“If I do this for you [today], what will you do for me [tomorrow]?”)
I teach them that playing ‘Top-Dog/Under-Dog’ will lead to the dissolution of their marriage or relationship, normally after a protracted period of completely avoidable misery! Or, sometimes, all of a sudden, and without any possibility of fixing it after the fact! (“You had your chance, mate!”)
[2] Byrne, J. (2010b) Fairness, Justice and Morality Issues in REBT and E-CENT. E-CENT Paper No.2(b). Hebden Bridge: The Institute for E-CENT Studies. Available online:
[3] Byrne, J. (2013) A Wounded Psychotherapist: Albert Ellis’s childhood, and the strengths and limitations of Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT). Hebden Bridge: CreateSpace/I-CENT Publications. For more information on this book, please go to
[4] See pages 244-245 of Manhood: An action plan for changing men’s lives, by Steve Biddulph: the 1994/98 edition.
[5] Clinard, H.H. (1985) Winning Ways to Succeed With people. Houston, Texas: Gulf Publishing.
[6] Miller, T. (1993) Self-Discipline and Emotional Control: How to stay calm and productive under pressure. A CareerTrack audio program.
[7] Miller, T. (1983) So, You Secretly Suspect You’re Worthless, Well You’re Not A Shit and I Can Prove It. New York: Lakeside Printing.
[8] Fisher and Ury (1990) Getting to Yes: negotiating agreement without giving in. London, Hutchinson Business.
[9] The Egan Model, developed by Gerard Egan, asks three core questions: (1) Where are you now? (2) Where do you want to get to? And (3) What actions could you take to build a bridge from (1) to (2)? For more information on this model, go here: http://www.gp-training.net/training/communication_skills/mentoring/egan.htm
The ABC model asks only (or mainly) this: “What are you telling yourself to make yourself so upset at point C (Consequence) about point A (the noxious stimulus, or Activating Event)?” …
Renata’s Coaching & Counselling blog: Handling conflict skilfully: Knowing your personal style…
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Introduction
In this blog I am going to do a ‘rave review’ of a short and simple quiz that shows us how we handle conflict in our current relationships. Some quizzes don’t give us many insights about ourselves when we’re interacting with other people, but this one strikes me as giving us a clear mirror which shows us how we deal with pressure from others.
The quiz, created by Virginia Satir, outlines the five main ways of handling conflict with others. She created a system of conjoint-family-therapy, and was a pioneering therapist who showed that families play a significant part in the development of the problems of individuals, and that blaming individual family members for their problems was unfair, because the problems the client showed up with were learned and created in the family.
Understanding how we deal with conflict at the moment
The great thing about this quiz is that it shows you a range of patterns that people play out when they are dealing with interpersonal conflict. The strategies used vary from constructive to really unhelpful and ineffective.
If you complete the quiz below, and you look at your results, you’ll be able to see your current favourite approach, and how to change your behaviour if you are not happy with the result.
Here are the five ways of handling conflict which Satir identified:
PLACATING – Pacifying, calming or appeasing behaviour. (Appeasing means to make someone calm and less hostile by giving in to their demands).
BLAMING – Holding someone to account, condemning or accusing them.
DISTRACTING – Diverting, changing the subject, cracking a joke for entertainment, etc.
COMPUTING – Assessing, analysing, and theorising about what you are experiencing.
LEVELLING – Being frank, open, honest, and above board. Telling the truth as you see it.
So this quiz tests how you react when life gets difficult: particularly during interpersonal conflict.
Your ‘blaming’ score shows how far you are liable to blame other people when under stress. Your ‘placating’ score shows how much you tend to placate or appease. Your ‘distracting’ score shows how much you tend to distract yourself and other people from the problems being presented. Your ‘computing’ score shows how far you tend to cut off from your feelings. Your ‘levelling’ score shows how far you tend to react creatively and flexibly.
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Here is the quiz: Read through this list of 20 statements. Write down the statement number of any statement with which you strongly agree. (You will need these numbers to mark your resulting score).
Choose as many statements as you like from the list if you think they reflect you or your views. You should choose at least seven statements.
Conflict is something I try to reduce as soon as possible.
If someone’s going to tell me something I don’t want to hear, I’ll quickly and smoothly try to change the subject.
Conflict is healthy if it means the people involved solve a problem.
It’s important that people know who’s responsible for a mistake.
Catching people off-guard with a compliment is a good way to ease tension.
I’ve been told I can be unemotional.
I’ve been told that sometimes I let people take me for granted.
I can get stressed but I try not to let it affect my life too much.
Avoiding taking responsibility for my actions is a good way to shift blame.
In the past, I have taken the blame for something when it wasn’t my fault.
I can keep my head clear by distancing myself when those around me are getting edgy.
Hopefully, people know that once a conflict with me is finished, we can then move on.
I’ll fight my corner at all costs to make sure I can hold my head up high.
I dislike being shouted at, so I’ll usually try to soothe the situation.
If I’m clever and funny enough I can keep conflict at bay.
If something bad happens, I cut off from my emotions; it feels safer to not let my guard down.
I’m not scared to confront someone – but I do to do so without making the other person feel bad.
Getting over-emotional during conflict is no way to solve problems.
I have a long memory when it comes to remembering others who’ve crossed me in some way.
If I’ve forgotten to do something I said I would, some ‘social flirting’ keeps people off my back.
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Now that you’ve chosen at least seven statements as being ones that you agree with, please draw a grid like the one below, and write in the numbers. Then tick those numbers you’ve chosen above.
Here is the grid, containing a worked example.
Scoring
Which column has the highest score?
The one with the highest score is your favourite strategy, followed by the next lowest number.
In the example in the grid above, we can see that ‘distracting’ is the style most often chosen, followed by ‘placating’ and ‘blaming’. So this person would be called ‘a distractor’, for shorthand description.
Virginia Satir’s conflict categories:
When things get tough in our lives we choose one or more of these personality patterns. Here is more of an explanation of these styles of behaviour:
Placating
Step on a placator’s foot and they will be the one to apologise. Placators know that peacemakers get blessed – or at least don’t get trashed. And so a typical placatory will soothe, please and pacify.
More females than males tend to be placators. They tend to dislike disagreeing with people – even if they are being criticized.
The aim of the placator is to get others to be nice to them – and, as placators tend to be externally influenced, they’ll therefore probably go along with whatever the other person wants. They’ll hold eye contact, smile a lot, and nonverbally ask for forgiveness. They apologize a lot.
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Blaming
If a blamer steps on someone’s foot, they will expect the other person (whose foot they stepped on) to apologize. This is because a blamer’s classic move is to shift the responsibility away from themselves, and there are many ways of doing this: They can nag; they can sulk; they can shout; and they can hit out. Or they can pretend that it’s not a problem and then launch a surprise attack a few hours later when everyone thinks the worst is over.
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Distracting
Did they step on someone’s foot? No. A distracter will state that they weren’t even there. They’ll smile, or crack a joke, or say what lovely weather it is today, and do everything in order to deflect attention. Their favourite phrase is this: ‘It wasn’t me’.
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Computing
When a ‘computer’ steps on someone’s foot, they simply won’t register the fact. They are the one who just doesn’t seem to feel anything, and doesn’t respond emotionally to what’s happened. They simply shut down their feelings – and can’t understand the suffering of others, if it is (or seems to be) illogical or irrational. Or just plain ‘emotional’!
A computer style used by a person may seem like they are responding calmly to a crisis. But they are panicking just as much as anyone else. It’s just that they are trying to handle their panic by cutting themselves off at the neck. And actually, that’s just as bad an idea as placating, blaming or distracting, because they are missing out on the information or motivation their body is trying to give them.
So they will take action, but over-rationally. They’ll respond, but insensitively.
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Levelling
A leveller who steps on someone’s foot will notice. Then they’ll move back. Then they’ll ask if there’s anything they can do. They won’t grovel, dump or look the other way – and they won’t cut off from their feelings. They’ll be genuinely regretful – but unlike people who run the other four personality sub patterns, they won’t go into a spiral of defensive responses.
So a leveller is going to be the one to hang in there under stress or in conflict, and simply get things sorted. They will strike a balance between thinking and feeling – and that means that they will:
(a) Face up logically to the problem; and:
(b) Have the emotional energy to sort it out.
Whether at home or away, they’ll have the space to listen to other people, take into account everyone’s needs and find a solution.
Anyone who works with a leveller, marries a leveller, or has a leveller for a friend, therefore has an easy life. They know exactly where they stand with a leveller, and consequently feel secure. They know that if any problems arise in their relationship then the leveller will tell them. (They will not whine, sulk, push the problem away or deny their feelings).
The bottom line is that the more positive your upbringing, the more likely you are to be a leveller. (Or you could have some corrective experiences, in social relationships or therapy, later in life).
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Learning to level
It might now be obvious that all of the ‘types’ could benefit from learning how to level with others: or to speak up and describe what is happening, and how they experience it.
Being a heavy-duty placator, blamer, computer or distracter isn’t a particularly good idea. Not only do these personality sub-patterns feel uncomfortable to actually use, but they will not be appreciated by a boss, or by friends or close family.
Of course, everyone runs a bit of the four more unhelpful personality sub-patterns, at least some of the time. This is not surprising, because we learn ways of behaving when we are young that seem to work. And at school, skills at maths and English and other subjects are rated much more highly than the ability to deal with people effectively and skilfully.
IQ (or the ability to take logic tests) is rated much higher than EQ (or the ability to read one’s own emotions; the emotions of others; and to communicate about both). But when we’re an adult, the limitations of our lack of skill in handling conflict start to become much clearer. Virginia Satir’s therapeutic advice was to shift your behaviour towards helpful ‘levelling’.
Some tips
The limitations of the different ways of handling conflict will now be outlined:
If you tend to be a placator:
You may think it’s a good sub pattern as it seems to smooth things over.
In fact, you won’t get what you want – plus you can drive people crazy by always apologising.
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If you tend to be a blamer:
You may think it’s a good sub-pattern because at least no one shouts at you.
In fact, it alienates people – plus by shifting responsibility, you give away your power.
Instead, to move towards being a leveller, learn that the world’s not out to get you and that temper tantrums don’t work.
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If you tend to be a distracter:
You may think it’s a good sub-pattern because it gets you off the hook.
In fact, you never get to face problems – plus you never take responsibility for things. (And taking responsibility is the first step in solving most of our problems!)
Instead, to move towards being a leveller, learn to face up to it when other people challenge you. Then either take their criticisms on board, or stand firm in believing you’re OK.
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If you tend to be a computer:
You may think this is a good way to behave, because it keeps you clear of messy emotion.
In fact, you miss out by ignoring feelings – plus you may come across as hard hearted. If you cannot read another person’s emotions, then you cannot really understand them or communicate effectively with them.
Instead, to move towards being a leveller, allow yourself to pay more attention to what others are feeling; and take their emotions into account. (You might need some coaching in the labelling of emotions; and understanding how to manage them in yourself).
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Learning new behaviours
As you can see from the quiz above, the behaviour of someone who is a ‘leveller’ is the ideal style of communication that we can work towards, if we want to work well with other people, and have loving, healthy relationships.
But it ain’t easy! We never stop learning how to deal with people, and this quiz should help you to know the strengths and weaknesses of your personal style.
The ‘levelling’ approach reduces conflict; and also reduces stress in our bodies, because we are dealing with problems as they arise and are facing up to them.
The reality is that we can’t change other people – only ourselves! (And that, as you most likely know, is not easy!)
But we can earn our own self-respect – (which as Lord Roseberry said, is worth fourteen times more than the approval of other people) – and be a really good role model for our children and other people in our environment.
Virginia Satir’s model helps us see where we are operating from; and also what works and what doesn’t, when it comes to dealing with conflict constructively.
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Conclusion
In my opinion, this quiz, presented above, is very useful. It raises our self-awareness, and gives us specific ways of behaving which are very useful for us if we spend a lot of time dealing with people in the work environment, or in our family life. These insights are very helpful for our own personal development, if we want to take on the challenge.
See what you think. Try the test out and see if it’s any use to you. Consider whether you could benefit from moving towards levelling. And if I can help, you know where I am!
We are here, and it is now. And it seems this now, where we are, is the same now we were in before the Christmas and New Year fantasies arrived to try to sweep us off our feet.
In this book, I have presented a very powerful ‘technology’ for overcoming emotional distress – regardless of the cause. I have also included special advice for couples about how to communicate so as to avoid conflict – or to manage that conflict better; plus special sections on insights into how to communicate more effectively with loved ones; and how to understand and improve your own ‘conflict style’.
Doctor of Counselling
Writing is in my blood. I have been writing since I was 19 years old, when I used to have to construct routine notices for military noticeboards! (Who would have guessed it?!) But it took 11 years before I published my first two books. Then another 39 years to figure out how not only to write meaningful and engaging material – (which I could edit adequately; and which I could publish and promote) – before I could claim to be a relatively successful author/editor/publisher. 
Somewhere in the past 48+ hours (in March 2018), I began to write a three volume series on couples therapy, based on my twenty five years (in 2023) of experience of helping many couples to improve their marriages, or marriage-like relationships.
Anyway, whether I, or my Muse, are responsible, the writing work has begun. Not that you could call what I have done so far “writing a book”. Why? Because there is such a huge amount of material to be organized into three volumes.
Dr Jim Byrne
Just over a year ago, I introduced the Duluth Domestic Abuse Intervention Project, and I said I would return to that subject, and explore the two wheels which they use to teach the distinction between unhelpful and unjustifiable ‘Power and control’ approaches to couple relationships, on the one hand, and civilized and indispensable ‘Equality’ approaches, on the other hand.
This week I want to begin by reviewing the ‘equality principle’ of ‘negotiation and fairness’.
But eight or nine times out of ten, when I work with unfairness issues in couples’ therapy, I can help the couple to resolve their problems, by teaching them to operate from The Golden Rule. And by allowing their partner to influence them, on a completely egalitarian basis – give and take. (“If I do this for you [today], what will you do for me [tomorrow]?”)
In this blog I am going to do a ‘rave review’ of a short and simple quiz that shows us how we handle conflict in our current relationships. Some quizzes don’t give us many insights about ourselves when we’re interacting with other people, but this one strikes me as giving us a clear mirror which shows us how we deal with pressure from others.
Virginia Satir’s conflict categories:
Levelling
Learning new behaviours
ABC Counselling and Psychotherapy, Hebden Bridge 